So, what with the dire straits Lindsay’s been in lately — and what I suspect is the unrepentant asshattitude of her mother, although that is all alleged and speculative not provable by me in a court of law — I am starting to temper my impatience again with worry.

Girl. Let’s recap, okay? High-waisted pants: bad. Stealing: bad. Food: GOOD. SO GOOD. And, prison food: bad, I imagine, so for the love of God stock up on the real stuff now, just in case.