Fug Madness 2018, Round 1: There’s A Kardashian Inside This Post

First! A word about the rules: The photos we show aren’t the ONLY ones in consideration; just a representative sample of everything worn from after the Oscars in 2017, all the way through the Oscars that just finished (so, March 2, 2017, to March 5, 2018). Polls close after roughly 24 hours. Vote on any device, as often as you want to or can. Do you need a refresher on how this works? The Fug Madness FAQ is here for you.

PSA: Click on the name of the match-up and you will be taken to it directly. In this round: (1) EMILY RATAJKOWSKI v. (16) HALEY BENNETT   ·  (8) JENNIFER CONNELLY v. (9) MEL B  ·  (5) SERAYAH v. (12) FERGIE (THE PEA NOT THE DUCHESS) ·  (4) KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN v. (13) SHAY MITCHELL

(1) EMILY RATAJKOWSKI v. (16) HALEY BENNETT

This one seed is well earned by Ms Ratajkowski, who demonstrated that she does not understand how shirts worked this year, more than once. Obviously, we’ll never forget when this happened.

That’s just a belted piece of cloth. And, like, is this a shirt or a dress? WHO CAN SAY?

This is also demonstrably not a shirt:

ANOTHER look in which she is not technically wearing a shirt:

FYI, she’s also confused by the concept of the belt. She ALSO wore perhaps the very worst look at all of Cannes this year, which is A FEAT, let me assure you. You should click through and see it from all angles, but this will give you…let’s just say, the gist:

That’s SO BAD (especially when she proved at the Met Gala that she CAN look AMAZING).

Here are Emily’s archives, if you need more intel.

And on to Haley, who you probably know best from Girl on the Train, but I know best from our beloved Music and Lyrics, wherein she plays a Britney-esque pop star. You know what that means, though.  I’ve mentioned Music and Lyrics and according to the by-laws of Go Fug Yourself, I am legally obligated to post this:

[If you don’t see anything above, refresh your browser for a delight.]

Now, onto Hayley’s sartorial body of work:

Most fresh in our mind is, of course, the Oscars. Her Vanity Fair party look was pretty good, but her ceremony ensemble was a puzzlement:

Let’s press in for that close-up:

That just makes my neck itch.

This was awfully matronly on her:

This was likewise a thud (although the back of it is good, which you’ll see if you click to the next slide on that post). In fact, I’m kinda worried that no one is paying her enough attention (although I liked this a lot). This is reasonable but it seems a little underworked, this feels like it was pulled for someone older than she is, and this is just kinda terrible:

AND SHE WORE IT TWICE IN TWO COLORS:

She also loves those Chloe shoes. However, it must be noted that she makes a kind of amazing Young Cate Blanchett, and she has a decent grasp of the Little Black Dress, and she isn’t afraid of sporting a dramatic headdress.

Haley’s archives live here.

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(8) JENNIFER CONNELLY v. (9) MEL B

Jennifer can lay all of the blame for her appearance here at the feet of Louis Vuitton. Whatever they’re paying her, I hope it’s worth being asked to wear an admittedly AMAZING coat with LACY BLOOMERS:

The shoes paired with this look are also giving me wrinkles.

THIS is simply not…the way clothes work?

Her face here is like, “I KNOW, I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.”

Sometimes she makes it out alive…until we get to her shoes. And sometimes she cosplays as High Fashion Dr. Zoe Hart, in leather shorts. Sometimes, the ensemble is objectively hideous but she actually looks good in it. Sometimes, she looks great except LV forced her to basically ignore the dress code of the event she’s attending. Sometimes, she dresses like kind of a great sci-fi nun. Life is a rich tapestry.

Here’s Jennifer’s archive.

Onto Mel B!

I feel like I could run solely this photo and she could still give Jennifer a run for her money:

That is NOT a performance outfit. She wore it both on the red carpet and to be judge on America’s Got Talent. It is A HOOT.

She also wore THIS to America’s Got Talent. Do we think she was trying to slowly drive Howie Mandel mad?

She looks like Evel Knievel and Red Sonja had a baby and that baby grew up to be a GLOW superstar.

This outfit was a message directed to her (by all accounts rotten) ex-husband:

And that look had AN EYE on her butt? Tell me more, Mel. AND THERE’S MORE! We’ve got a see-through lace catsuit! And this look, which Heather called “an outfit inspired by a Vegas dancer and the opening credits of Mannequin, maybe with a touch of Halle Berry in X-Men thrown in.” And THIS, which is JUST FRINGE.  I CANNOT WAIT to see what she wears to Harry and Meghan’s wedding (in all seriousness, I am sure she will look fine, but a girl can hope for a royal wedding catsuit).

Here are Mel’s blessed archives.

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(5) SERAYAH v. (12) FERGIE (THE PEA NOT THE DUCHESS)

Speaking of the royal wedding, should I wear this when we head to Windsor in May?

I interviewed Serayah at Fashion Week once and she was totally nice and fun — I stopped watching Empire, but I hope they’ve given her more interesting things to do of late, because she’s talented. She also sometimes looks GREAT. (For example, if this were lined, it would be fab.) She sometimes looks amazing despite wearing something objectively dumb. Facially, she is strong in the presence of Bedazzled Denim. And then sometimes something like THIS happens:

Or this:

OR THIS:

(In fairness, that was at Jeremy Scott’s fashion show, and her arm may have been twisted, HOWEVER, she did agree to it.) This is just mosquito netting as a shirt:

And these are DEFINITELY just jammies:

At least she’s always got that face working for her. Need to do further research? Here are Serayah’s archives.

And now, let us transition over to our Lady of Her Humps, Ms Fergie Ferg, late of the Black-Eyed Peas. First of all, who can forget that Ferg’s first outing after announcing her divorce was to promote parfaits? As I said at the time, I admire her commitment to visibly eating her feelings. Yogurt accessories aside, that look wasn’t terrible — and neither is this. But THIS was:

It just looks cheap, like a knock-off, and I suspect it was neither.

This was overwhelming (just as this was kinda predictable):

This looks like high-fashion fishing net:

And this feels like a costume that was originally meant to be worn by Serena on Gossip Girl but got lost in the back of a wardrobe somewhere:

And it’s not Fug Madness if someone doesn’t drift in front of our eyes wearing a sweatshirt as a dress.

Note, of course, the thigh-high, open-toed boots. But the question, as ever, is IS THIS ENOUGH? To help you decided, here are Fergie’s archives.

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(4) KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN v. (13) SHAY MITCHELL

Kourtney BROUGHT IT this year, wearing nutty looks all her own, but also seemingly stepping in to be the Kim Klone at times when she felt it necessary. She made us bemoan the lack of jeans in her life, but also caused us to bemoan her actual jeans. She wore a LOT of bra tops, like this one. Speaking of jeans and bra tops, these jeans fit her beautifully and her shirt is PERPLEXING:

She tried to appeal to us with stripes, she wore many MANY MANY varieties of track pants, she experimented quite profoundly with the concept of sleeves, she wore a bikini top to her child’s art class, she sported personalized plastic heels, and she most emphatically did NOT appeal here in WHATEVER THIS IS:

This is a boob sling and leather shorts, yes (although, in fairness, body be bangin’ in them):

Like those shorts? She also has them in pants!

Like the idea of leather shorts but wish they were more COLORFUL? She’s got you:

Or are you just more into the bra top but wish it were formal? She’s ALSO got that for you:

On that note: Here’s Kourtney’s archive. It is formidable. There is so much more. So much. So very much. Can Shay bring her down? This might be a harder question to answer than you’d think right off the bat.

Shay actually kind of looks like she might be a Kardashian Kousin (that’s a Kompliment; the Kards are pretty). And I feel like Kourtney would wear this.

I ALSO think Kourtney would wear this:

FYI, that was not a Halloween party. So. I’m not sure what the situation was there. I think Kourtney would also wear this (although perhaps not as successfully). (Likewise, she looks gorgeous in this.) This is SUPREMELY Kardashian-y:

If I told you this was a (very polished looking) Kardashian Kousin, you would ABSOLUTELY buy it. And Kourtney would love this:

Is it enough? Don’t decide until you’ve looked at Shay’s archives. And then vote:

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