One full round — 32 games — are in the books, and we’ve cut our field of Fug Madness hopefuls in half. All the No. 1 and No. 2 seeds still stand, but it only gets grittier. Here is what’s coming this week:
(1) Keke Palmer vs. (9) Dascha Polanco – Monday, March 20
Keke walloped Aja Naomi King with 95 percent of the vote; Dascha’s was more of a nailbiter. She squeaked past Carrie Underwood — who has never, it seems, lived up to her Fug Madness expectations — with 55 percent of the vote.
(4) Ashley Graham vs. (5) Diane Kruger – Monday, March 20
These two both lived up to their seedings. Ashley beat Kristen Wiig with 81 percent of the vote, and Kruger dispatched Fug fave Solange with 76 percent. They haven’t even broken a sweat yet. Something tells me this fight will be tougher.
(2) Felicity Jones vs. (10) Bella Thorne – Tuesday, March 21
Anne Hathaway put up a strong fight against Felicity, but the Rogue One star eventually blasted Fantine 66-34. This sets up a clash with possibly her diametric opposite, Bella Thorne, who snagged 74 percent of the vote to send Rihanna home early.
(6) Chloe Sevigny vs. (14) Charli XCX – Tuesday, March 21
Apparently Charli had a worse year than we thought, as she dispatched a VERY strong Hailee Steinfeld, 59-41. She’ll take on the Sevvernaut, who bowled over Emma Roberts, 84-16.
(2) Nicole Kidman vs. (10) Halsey – Monday, March 20
Nicole didn’t dominate Chanel Iman as much as I thought; she gave up 43 percent of the vote, but passed. Halsey had a way easier time, notching 88 percent of the vote against Lea Michele, who can now go back to tanning on the beach as is her wont. I have to say, Kidman might not make it against Halsey. The fug is strong with the musicians, y’all.
(5) Dakota Johnson vs. (14) Tove Lo – Monday, March 20
This will be GOOD. Dakota just put back another singer, Bebe Rexha, but BARELY. We’re talking, with rounding, the percentages were 50-50. With a few hours to go she was only up by 12. Given Bebe’s eligible outfits, that says a LOT about how much you hated Dakota’s Oscars Gucci. Tove Lo, by the way, knocked out Sarah Jessica Parker with her ovary dress, 84-16.
(1) Rita Ora vs. (8) Kristen Stewart – Tuesday, March 21
Rita booting Kate Upton was no surprise, and no sweat (91-9). Kristen had a tougher time with Cara Delevingne, but in the end prevailed 54-46.
(4) Michelle Monaghan vs. (12) Gabrielle Union – Tuesday, March 21
Michelle beat Selena Gomez 73-27, and should have a pretty interesting clash now against Gabrielle, who brought it on against Chrissy Teigen and defeated her with 78 percent of the vote.
(1) Kim Kardshian vs. (8) Gwen Stefani – Monday, March 20
Kim swept past Angela Sarafyan, 89-11, and now lands straight in the arms of Gwen. She had a 70-30 margin over Sophie Turner, but I think Kim will be a more formidable opponent. OR WILL SHE? Has Kim’s Kapacity for shock and awe reached its limit?
(5) Jared Leto vs (13) Karolina Kurkova – Monday, March 20
Cate Blanchett possibly never stood a chance against Jared, who won 94-6 — a Kardashian-like margin, which is fitting, given that he’ll play Kim next if they both make it to the Sweet 16. Karolina beat fellow alliterative model Karlie Kloss, 79-21. Not even klose.
(2) Salma Hayek vs. (10) Kelly Rowland – Tuesday, March 21
Salma more than lived up to her seeding, scaring up 89 percent of the vote against Michelle Williams. Kelly Rowland pulled a tight and possibly surprising victory against perennial threat Lady Gaga, 51-49.
(3) Chloe Grace Moretz vs. (11) Nicola Peltz – Tuesday, March 21
I’ll be honest, I can’t wait for this one. CGM had 88 percent of the vote against Zoe Saldana, and Nicola pulled 76 percent against Jennifer Lopez.
(2) Gigi Hadid vs. (10) Zosia Mamet – Monday, March 20
Zosia unseating Heidi Klum was the truest surprise of the tournament so far for me. Most of the other upsets, I get, but this one stumped me. Democracy in action, though! Zosia won 58-42, and so she passes through to butt heads with Gigi, who beat newcomer Haley Bennett 65-35.
(3) Emily Ratajkowski vs. (6) Kate Hudson – Monday, March 20
Emily booted Elle Fanning 89-11, and Kate got slightly tougher opposition from Marion Cotillard — but not much, as she won 64-36. I feel like the coming matchup is best served with cocktails.
(1) Bella Hadid vs. (9) Ciara – Tuesday, March 21
Ciara being pregnant, and thus a touch less present, didn’t affect her on round one against Olivia Munn. She got 59 percent of the vote and sent Olivia back to Green Bay. Bella won 91-9 against newcomer Constance Jablonski.
(4) Beyonce vs. (12) Lena Dunham – Tuesday, March 21
I feel like Lena herself would get a huge kick out of this. It’s probably an honor to lose Beyonce AND to beat her in something like this, you know? Bey bumped out Alexa Chung 76-24, and Lena absolutely dominated Kerry Washington 94-6. Anything is possible. DREAM BIG, both of you.