(2) HEIDI KLUM vs. (15) JESSICA WHITE
This matchup is really a marquee fight in terms of mishandled assets. In fact, much in the vein of an earlier post I wrote, the noises I am making at these photos reminds me of that old SNL sketch where Chris Farley is a pairs figure skater and he keeps falling and the commentators can’t even get a word out without going, “Ohhhhhh.”
“And it’s a — ohhhhhh.”
“Maybe she’ll — ohhhhhhhhh.”
“This looks like it could — OHHHHH.”
“But I don’t think it — OHHHHHH.”
This even LOOKS like a deranged skating costume.
This is from Fashion Week in September. IN WHAT UNIVERSE is that something anyone puts on, or gives to another person?
This was ALSO from NYFW. The designer should have evicted her. Most people assume you’re wearing the designer you’re supporting, and well, if said designer made that bustier, it’s not supporting ANYTHING and is therefore a terrible advertisement.
Speaking of advertisements, Heidi Klum has a sundial and a flagon of mead at her Shoppe that she’d like to sell you:
Whereas Jessica just wants to read your palm and freak you out by saying things like, “Either you will get married twenty five times, or you really need to moisturize.”
Heidi made several trips to Slittytown this year:
And Jessica frequented Camp Crackballs.
But Heidi got to hit up fashion’s biggest stage, the Met Ball, and this is what she picked:
How come she can’t do better? How come NEITHER of them can do better? Why the blend of lackluster, crazy, and obvious? Nobody wins with that cocktail. But somebody has to win in this match.
[In case of emergency: Click to vote]
(7) DIANE KRUGER vs. (10) KERRY WASHINGTON
This is a duel not of fashion models, but fashionistas. Both DK and KW wear a lot of chancey stuff that it takes some innate panache to pull off. And guts like that also mean you’re going to flop as often as you fly. Case in point:
This is very gimmicky. She is correct that if anyone can wear this and not be snickered at, it’s probably her, but I feel like she’s posing for a calendar in a bygone era.
HOWEVER, look how long that outfit makes her look. Which makes these next two baffling:
Do not tell me that wasn’t made out of a smock from her salon, because I won’t believe you. Also, the shoes look like fancy rabbit slippers to me somehow. I can’t unsee that.
And this one, not everyone disliked (we even put it up to a vote on our site, but because our polling plugin was deleted by Forces Out Of Our Control, I can’t see how it fared). But I personally think it is ridiculous, and ridiculous on her. She looks short, she looks squat, she looks bored, and she looks like she accidentally took the bathroom rug with her. By which I mean, EVERY bathroom rug at Target.
Diane had a real Fug or Fab kind of year, actually — there was this white and feathered thing at Cannes, this ornate poncho, and this massive, massive gown which I actually truly loved because Cannes is the exact right place to do that, but I accept that not everyone agrees with me.
I think you will concur with me on this one though:
Heinous. Which is worse: The neck loop, or the thought that she’s not supposed to be WEARING the neck loop because it’s just one of those things that’s there to keep her clothes on the hanger? That bodice is also really sloppy on her, and Diane is not somebody who usually falls prey to poor fit. Well, except for this fancy curtain, and here, because BOOBS WHAT?
And here she apparently wandered drunkenly into Mood and asked for the Pretty In Pink Special. Actually, Diane had a thing for the sheers this year. It didn’t work for her. In fact, it ruined an otherwise okay dress. Also, “the sheers” makes it sound like a bodily ailment. “Oh, Diane can’t come. She’s got the sheers.” Which is what should have happened instead of her leaving the house in this. Friends don’t let friends go out when they’ve got the sheers.
AHEM, Kerry Washington’s friends:
A lot of people thought this was stunning, but I thought it was too much. Line the skirt all the way down, and maybe, but that’s not what happened. And with the BACK lined, it just looks like a particularly large piece of toilet paper stuck in her belt.
Again, with adjustments, this could have been okay? But there were none, and so here we are.
Kerry is a lot like Diane in her taste for Lots and Lots, too.
Could we have stuck to TWO different patterns, maybe? And scrapped the strange flotation aid? As patterns go, I actually loved this one, but the cut wasn’t flattering on her — another issue she had elsewhere on that press tour with an overlong gown and a dated single grommet. And this:
I love that color. I even like that pattern. But SO MUCH of that pattern makes me concerned she needs a medical intervention, or at least a massage with some nice topical salve.
I don’t even know what she was thinking. Even the Mayor of Tweetown is like, “Yikes. Precious much?”
I love this matchup. I have a suspicion who will win. But I enjoy that two ladies who rarely cross paths actually turned out to have so much in common,thematically. Should we set up a tea time?
[If there is turbulence, fasten your seatbelt and click to vote]
(3) JESSICA BIEL vs. (14) RASHIDA JONES
Oh, the ups and downs we have had with Rashida Jones. SHE seems like she is cool, and she repeatedly works with people who also seem funny and cool, so she must be a good egg. Why must her fashion sense be so cracked?
We’ve been waiting to bring THIS up again since last Fug Madness. She wore this RIGHT after the Oscars so we couldn’t include it, but HERE IT IS, in all its jumpsy-pantsuited glory (I think it’s one piece, but my eyes can’t decipher much of anything happening around her midsection). If it had been just a blouse, or just pants, then we could have saved ourselves the furrowing. Alas.
That is… well, there are a lot of problems. Let’s just pick out one, for now: Why does her cleavage have its own mail slot? They actually removed a postbox from my corner, but they can collect mail in Rashida Jones’ bosom?
GUESS WHO DID THIS TO HER. It is awful. It is, to borrow from her co-star Rob Lowe’s character Chris, LIT’RALLY dangling off her areolae.
It SEEMS lovely, but then you look at it, and… it LOOKS like it is a long shirt over culottes. It probably is not. But the fact that it embraces this identity crisis is too much for me. Also, the wrinkles. The fit. It’s all wrong. How TREMENDOUS her head and feet look, and how clunky her midsection. She is making such awesome strides toward looking as great as her genes are, but there’s always something.
Rashida’s partner in Mishandled Bangdom is her opponent, Jessica Biel. And they also share a love of Pants-Based Ensembles That Don’t Work.
Child, you are not eighty-five. Your name is not Murgatroyd. You are not wearing your best bingo-night dentures. Put this away, please.
And you are not in Game of Thrones, nor Lord of the Rings, nor anything else written by a person with “R.R.” in the name, like I don’t know, Empress of the Smoke Crown, by Felicity R.R. VonTrapp.
Oh, and remember before she got married, when everything she wore was white, or bridal white, or bridal blush, or bridal dinner chair, or bridesmaidy I’m Testing This To See If It Works For Sabotaging My Girlfriends So That I Won pink?
Or this one, which I like to call Bridal Hey Look My Swans Arrived.
This one will take the cake, though. A shrewd Fug National pointed out that the see-through pants Jessica wore recently are not the first time she’s undertaken such an act of fashion terrorism.
They are not the same pants, but they are AWFULLY CLOSE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. YOU SEEM SO PLEASANT. IS JUSTIN STILL DRESSING YOU? DID YOU PUT IN THE PRE-NUP THAT HE HAD TO SHUT HIS PIEHOLE ABOUT THAT? BECAUSE. COME ON.
[The captain asks that you do remain seated and vote if the poll vanishes]
(6) CHRISTINA HENDRICKS vs. (11) AMANDA SEYFRIED
I guess we can parse this one as, Lady Who Has Trouble Wrangling Her Boobs vs. Lady Who Once Played A Girl Whose Boobs Could Predict The Weather. But that’s a mouthful. Or a cupful, as it were. But let’s not make this entirely about her issues wrangling the ladies, though they are as ongoing as ever (and frankly, while I totally sympathize, there’s a point at which if a person of her resources still isn’t DOING anything about it, she must not care about it).
Instead, let’s make it about straight-up bad taste.
As I noted at the time about that shoulder scarf nonsense, if you are someone who has a lot of Stuff going on, the solution is rarely, “Add more stuff.”
The Peanuts characters said it best: Good grief.
Part of the problem with her fug is that it all feels so recycled. Doesn’t it feel like you’ve seen her wear this dress sixteen times? She hasn’t, but she may as well have, and mediocrity coupled with zzzzzz makes for a pretty solid Fug Madness seeding.
Though I sincerely hope I never see her wearing this dress again. Ever.
Ditto this one. Lock your doors, else they will be BLOWN OFF:
I didn’t like the way her Oscar dress bunched on her chest, her fringey Golden Globes dress left me cold, and I don’t even know what is going on here. But this Gucci is, to me, easily the worst thing Seyfried put on her body this year. She. Looks. A. Mess. And extremely apologetic about it.
Of course, this was pretty bad too, like the lead photo in a magazine article called “How To Do Prom For Under $10.”
And sweet lord, this is Shredded Hefty. Actually, it reminds me of a Twitter conversation some old TWoP recappers were having about how we used to do things back in the Stone Age, before there were devices and DVRs. Some of us took notes by hand. Most of us used VCRs. And Jessica reminisced about the time Sars had to send her a VHS of the Dawson’s Creek finale and it arrived smashed and Jessica had to fix it with a fork. A fork might also help this dress, in the sense that you could stick the fork in it and then maybe it would be done.
[There is no smoking in the Fug Nation lavatories. This is subject to federal regulations and VOTE]