The American Ballet Theatre had its fall gala last night, and one of the pieces performed was choreographed by a Jessica Lang, which I of course processed at first as Jessica Lange, which would have been amazing. A ballet tribute to the career of Jessica Lange also might do the trick, in fact. The Tootsie and American Horror Story segments will be especially enriching for us all.

Back to it: Misty Copeland, one of the best goddamn dancers at the American Ballet Theatre (who are you? NOBODY), celebrated at the gala dressed as a damp cotton ball. It begins and ends brilliantly; it’s just the middle part that’s best left ignored, which, incidentally, is also how the beans feel about baseball games.

Diane went the other end of the neutral spectrum:

American Ballet Theatre's Fall Gala, Arrivals, New York, USA - 26 Oct 2021

The dress is Carolina Herrera (although I think those little tuxedo shoes are Chanel repeats?), the hair may have just been at yoga class, and the ruffles are agents of chaos on an otherwise sexy sequined LBD. If Misty is the angel on your shoulder encouraging you to, I don’t know, sit in a cloud and spread Philly Cream Cheese on your bagel, then Diane is the devil who picked something intended to obscure the sight lines of the people behind her. I would also watch that ballet. Does Jessica Lange want to choreograph one?

[Photos: Shutterstock]