“Hey, Lindsay Lohan, you literally JUST completed being under house arrest for violating the terms of your probation agreement from your second DUI, as well as your three hundred and sixtieth trip to rehab! What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to HANG OUT AT A BAR IN HOLLYWOOD FOR FIVE HOURS but it’s okay because I’m wearing my most grown-up looking coat dress. If I’m dressed like Bette Davis in one of those movies where she has a brain tumor that everyone decides to keep from her in favor of just shooting one another agonized looks over the good china, maybe no one will notice that THIS IS A REALLY BAD IDEA and in fact the only way I am ever going to dry out is if YOU SHIP ME TO THE MOON or maybe a deserted island where I’d have to make my own booze from coconut shells and smashed up palm tree fronds. But don’t worry! Don’t worry! Despite what you might infer from the fact that my father is on Celebrity Rehab With Doctor Drew despite being neither a celebrity nor even a “celebrity,” my family and team are TOTALLY good at figuring out how to deal both with my MASSIVE PERSONAL PROBLEMS and the fact that my career is RUINED. THEY JUST HAVEN’T GOTTEN AROUND TO IT YET! SO WHY NOT PARTY IN THE MEAN TIME??!?!?! THIS IS AN AWESOME PLAN!”

[Photo by: Splash]