If you anagram “Dame Helen Mirren,” there are a LOT of options. Too many to know. But the one I like the best so far is, “Nailed Her Mermen.” Because, yes, of course, if mermen existed, and were to trade their voices for the chance to win the heart of a damsel on our land who has transfixed them, that damsel should be Helen Mirren, the best of us all. And it SHOULD be a whole pack of mermen and not just one, and she SHOULD nail them and enjoy it because she is our queen, and the Queen, and she’s wearing an enormous couture robe like it’s no big deal. All of which is to say that I guess we’ve just cast our kinky gender-flipped Splash remake.

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