More than anything, I want to talk about the Vikander/Fassbender Kiss Cam Scandale of last night (we didn’t see it here; it seems it was cut for broadcast everywhere). Wait, more than ANYTHING, I want to hear about DiCaprio making out with Maggie Smith. And then we can talk about Vikanderbender. And then — only then! — can we discuss her dress:

Yes, it’s leather, embellished with some kind of progressively stabby tinsel — as if this were a Chia Pet, but instead of a pet, it’s a dress, and instead of chia, it grows tinsel. I don’t hate it, and I definitely want to touch it. Which is either good news, or bad, depending on how you feel about me as a person, I suppose.

[Photo: Getty]