Well, SOMEONE’S hair is looking very voluminous in advance of her big day.

Welcome to our Royal Wedding live-blog, where we hop through coverage from BBC America, the networks, and of course E!, because we’re desperate to see Giuliana ineptly interviewing some random blue-blood and asking if they’re SO JEALOUS, all the while possibly making comments about whether Kate is skinny and/or tan. And this could get ugly: Because it’s 1 a.m. on the West Coast, Jessica and I haven’t gone to sleep. Please do join us for our insomniac ramblings as events unfold. We are, although preemptively tired, very excited.

Although maybe not THIS excited. OR ARE WE.


1 a.m. CA/9 a.m. UK: We open with NBC’s Today show, live at the wedding, as Meredith Vieira co-hosts amid rumors she’s bolting soon from the show. We guess this is a good way to go out, no? We have only just begun this thing and already two Diet Cokes have been consumed a we lament, “Can’t these people get married at a NICE NORMAL AFTERNOON OR EVENING HOUR? Really, Kate and Wills, does it HAVE to be all about you ALL DAY? Sheesh.

1:02 a.m. I can’t wait for the open-topped carriage part. And if I can’t wait, can you imagine how all the people who waited along the route must feel? Those cars are going to whip by so fast en route to the Abbey that they’re S.O.L. without an open carriage on the way back to give them a peek. Matt explains that Wills and Kate will be: The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, and there was SOMETHING in there about “Carrickfergus,” and I don’t know what it is, but it sounds like the name of a really randy salad.

1:04 a.m. Prince Harry’s on-off girlfriend and wedding-day date Chelsy Davy appears in the Abbey, wearing a hideous baggy dark teal thing and a bronze circular fascinator that’s lacy with a bow and a bit of a veil. She looks like a few miles of rough road, to be honest. It’s an incredibly auspicious beginning.

1:06 a.m. Ann Curry is outside the Abbey with binoculars (shown above). (WE WISH.) She is discussing the people who’ve been camping out for a spot with all the earnestness of covering a peace treaty. She should change her name to Gravitas Curry.

1:09 a.m. We cut to Al Roker, and as ever, we are taken aback to see him so skinny. And yet he’s been skinny for a while, but somehow it shocks the caftans off us each time. [Note: We are not actually denuded of our caftans.]

1:12 a.m. NBC, in its efforts to cover it like it’s really important, has made us yawn. And that’s not good. So we switch to E!, and they’re just showing meaningless stock footage of unspecified other things. Some guards in their busbies are walking around playing instruments — it’s like the Official Monarchy Marching Band. The brunette in the lime-green coat they have covering this already looks tired. Sister, hunker down. They cut inside the Abbey, and there is a woman in leopard-print with a black hat that has gold arrows poking out of it. We desperately need to know to whom she is related, and imagine her name to be Biffy Rottingham-Poke. Giuliana talks about how this all brings tears to her eyes, and they marvel over the multi-paragraph length of the Queen’s official title and oh sweet lord we’re going to have to go back to Very Important NBC because this is a drag AND it’s not in HD.

1:17 a.m. Our response to our first view of Posh and Becks is to squeal wordlessly and point at the TV. He looks DREAMY. She’s wearing black and looks tired — not in a bad way, just in a pregnant, slightly emotional way. We hope she is not unwell! She’s wearing what has to be a Victoria Beckham original, and is rubbing Becks’ back. We love them. Can we reiterate that he looks DREAMY? Thank you.

1:22 a.m: Blah blah blah. Ann Curry is talking about balloons. For some reason, she is wearing a wreath of roses around her bun, which makes her look somewhat like a bridesmaid. Honey, you are the youngest looking 50-something in the universe but that is a bridge too far, even for you.

1:25 a.m: There is a woman standing behind Posh wearing what looks like a DirecTV dish on her head.

1:26 a.m: Matt Lauer gets us into the Fancy Royal Talk with some Fancy Royal Experts, both of whom have very posh and delightful accents. They basically explain that the Queen gave Wills and Kate very lovely, fancy titles indeed.  There’s much yapping about the Duke of Blah and the Lord of So-and-So, while the camera in Westminster Abbey cuts to….THE THORPEDO?! We are really proud of ourselves for IDing Ian Thorpe outside of the pool. (He’s not wearing his Speedo to the wedding. SADLY.)

1:31 a.m: I love that NBC has some girl just set up in front of the hotel at which Kate is staying. She doesn’t get to see anything and has to spend the whole time just being like, “so….I am STILL in front of the hotel.” Inside the church is a girl whose hat conceals her entire face. She’s going to be really sorry when she gets in there and can’t see the ceremony.

1:34 a.m: Earl Spencer is with HatFace, so she must be one of Diana’s relatives. BBC is very poncily explaining that it’s okay for Becks to be there, because Westminster Abbey is for THE PEOPLE. Um, he’s GOLDEN BALLS. He’s not just ANYONE. Tara Palmer-Tomkinson is wearing a hat that looks like a giant royal blue tongue on the top of her head.

1:38 a.m: Why didn’t anyone TELL US Anderson Cooper was doing the play-by-play for CNN? We love him. And yet…back to NBC. No rain yet!  Matt Lauer says the VIPs are all due to arrive in the next fifteen minutes. CNN might be snarky — they just told us that the wife of the Speaker of the House is always in the paper for “various shenanigans” and he’s “lucky to have gotten an invite.” DRAMA! Fill us in on the deets, British readers!

1:42 a.m: OH. The Snarky One on CNN is Piers Morgan. THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. Andy Cooper: “Um….these hats are completely over the top.” Heather and I decide that we really miss CNN Election Regular Donna Brazil, who once told Andy, “I wear many a wig.” She’d love these hats, Andy. GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

1:46 a.m:  Elton John and hubby David Furnish have arrived and look quite smart and not at all Elton John-y. (In the sense that he’s not wearing googly-eyed glasses or sequins or a cape or a jumpsuit.) Apparently, Elton hasn’t been to the Abbey since he sung at Princess Diana’s funeral. Piers says, “Diana would have loved this. Weddings were right up her street.” Also: she might have wanted to be at her son’s wedding? Sniffle. It’s rather poignant, that aspect of this whole day, isn’t it? I think she’d have been very proud of how lovely both Wills and Harry have turned out.

1:52 a.m. There are a bunch of people outside along the procession route wearing BURGER KING crowns. We cherish all of them. Will they be disappointed to find out no meat kingpins are getting married today?

1:55 a.m. CNN is reporting, still, that it MIGHT be a Sarah Burton/McQueen dress on Kate. So basically, it’s everything we already knew. I suspect, with his tragic death, it’s double the reason to wear him — it’s a tribute, it’s an endorsement of the future of the brand and his legacy, and if she goes vintage, it’s even MORE those things because it’ll be a fusion of past and present. Meanwhile, the PM of Oz has arrived in a navy hat sitting on the side of her head, as if it’s HIDING SOMETHING.

1:57 a.m. Vera Wang has popped by the CNN coverage. Watching everyone go in reminds me of Fashion Week, a bit, except presumably with fewer people stealing seats and swag bags. Parenthetically, I wish there were a royal wedding swag bag. And OMG, Guy Richie and his girlfriend/baby-mama just arrived, and she is in animal print with a satellite dish attached to her forehead.

2:01 a.m. Piers Morgan busts up the controversy of whether people would wear morning suits or not; PM David Cameron is apparently in the correct coat, which Piers attributes to him listening to the “braying media mob.” Or maybe he just wanted to wear a badass tail coat, Piers. You don’t know his life. Maybe he just wanted to brush the tails up in the air jauntily before uniting bum with chair. Can’t he just have a yen for flair, Piers? Can’t he? Does one have to work at Friday’s to be pro-flair? I THINK NOT.

2:03 a.m. Foreign Secretary William Hague’s wife, Ffion (is that Welsh for Fiona?) is in a wheelchair because she’s got a cast on her leg… which matches her suit. YES. That’s exactly what one should do. But right when they’re getting into the nitty-gritty, Cat Deeley is all, “So what’s with William’s uniform he’s going to wear?!?” and we miss out on why the Hague’s wife’s shin has been so imperiled.

2:05 a.m. SCANDAL: PM David Cameron’s wife is NOT WEARING A HAT. REPEAT: NOT WEARING A HAT. THIS IS CLEARLY A REJECTION OF ALL THINGS FOR WHICH HER NATION STANDS. Instead she’s got on a bejewelled headband, getting all Blair Waldorf up in this shizz. Also, they just flashed up the graphic saying one of Wills’ titles is Baron Carrickfergus and we accidentally read it as, “Caref*ckus,” and… well.  We are ONE commercial break away from seeing Wills’ departure for the Abbey. WOO.

2:09 a.m. Piers Morgan is, like, OBSESSED with why Hague’s wife is in a cast. Turns out — wait for it — she broke her shin. Well, good thing he was on the case or we’d never have sussed THAT one out. We’re watching the gate of Clarence House, from which Wills will depart soon. Now CNN is insisting it’s possible Kate is going to choose a Jenny Packham gown. We think that seems unlikely.  The news is that Carole Middleton is wearing a blue wool Catherine Walker. Okay. Sure.

2:13 a.m. Hilariously, Cat Deeley just gasped loudly when William’s car left Clarence House. He looks charming in his scarlet coat, and Harry adorable in his uniform. The crowds just went a little nutso and we might’ve gotten a tiny bit misty. Everyone’s bursting with love. It’s downright lovely. Does anyone not wish this kid well after the heartbreak he’s had? Apparently the red jacket is an Irish Guard trademark, which is his highest military rank (I know, I’m sure we’re getting all the terminology woefully incorrect, please excuse us).

2:14 a.m. William! It’s not too late! You can still make it to Beverly Hills! Piers jokes about whether Harry remembered the ring. We aren’t sure how we feel about William not wearing a ring. Well, hang on, we are sure: We don’t like it. But we DO like the little salute Wills and Harry just did as they drove through town. They’re in a maroon Rolls Royce, if you’re eager to find its match on eBay.

2:17 a.m. There’s something curious about Piers Morgan suggesting that this has re-energized the monarchy. We see his point, but his context is that after Diana died people questioned the point of the monarchy and whether it was passe and should be obliterated. He now argues that this wedding has re-validated it — which itself seems to validate the EARLIER idea that the monarchy doesn’t actually do much. Having said that… HOORAY FOR ROYAL PEOPLE, because we need pomp and circumstance in our lives.

2:19 a.m. Harry and Wills are doing the customary greetings on their way in the Abbey. If this were a normal wedding they’d be fist-bumping people. Piers brings up the fact that the last major occasion they spent in the Abbey was Diana’s funeral, and that really IS horribly sad and incredibly touching, and gives a lot of poignancy to the choice of this venue for the wedding. William’s hairline has come very far from that day. Wills has removed the hat, since he’s inside, and he’s got the little hat mark on his firehead. Piers drools that you can’t beat a man in uniform. Basically, he and Cat have proclaimed them the hottest people in the universe. CNN: Where Hyperbole Happens.

2:22 a.m. Rev up your engines: Carole Middleton is being deployed soon. And then the awesomest thing in the WORLD happens: A CNN staffer leans in front of the camera covering Carole’s car and gets RIGHT up in the lens and FIXES HER BANGS. It is the best thing that has ever happened in the world. THAT has validated the monarchy, PIERS.

2:26 a.m: Carole Middleton’s hat might be good? We love that Mr and Mrs Middleton met as air stewards. Andy Cooper is making fun of the wedding planners, who’ve told them not to call the buses that are transporting people “buses.”  They do look like Super Shuttles, but WE call them PARTY TROLLEYS.

2:30 a.m: All the ringing church bells are very romantic. We do love a great peal of church bells at a wedding. And here comes Carole: she looks very elegant and not terribly dramatic.  In her shoes, you KNOW she was like, “I NEED TO WEAR THE MOST APPROPRIATE THING HUMANLY POSSIBLE OMG.” Also: Piers just said, “Diana’s mother was AN ALCOHOLIC.” Oh PIERS. Is now REALLY the time for that?

2:33 a.m: Carole and James Middleton are kind of color-coordinated with Elton John. They’re walking down the aisle to their seats. This must be SO VERY WEIRD for them, really.  Like…don’t you think they woke up this morning and were all, “dude. How did we get HERE?”

2:35 a.m: Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie sighting, with their father. LOTS of waving. Lots of old ladies spill into the church, including the Duchess of Kent, who is much younger looking in my memory (sorry, Duchess of Kent). Her pink fascinator, however, is quite charming. Gabriella Windsor (we think) is wearing an awesome, giant giant hat.  “Quite a collection of hats,” Cat Deeley points out, and she is correct. These hats are MAJOR. We demand more hats, now, at everything and always.

2:39 a.m: We feel like sometimes when Andy Cooper says, “let’s listen to the crowd,” it’s code for, “SHUT UP ALL OF YOU.” He says that so we can listen to everyone on the streets holler for Prince Charles and Camilla.  Piers points out that it’s nice that England doesn’t want to pelt Camilla with stones anymore (not in so many words). We agree: that WOULD be unseemly.

2:41 a.m.: Beatrice and Eugenie look somewhat cracked out — in an awesome way. Eugenie’s hat looks like the tracing of an Easter egg on balanced on the top of her head. We cut away from her quickly because IT’S THE QUEEN! Even Anderson Cooper is struck somewhat dumb. She’s in canary yellow and looks…like the QUEEN. The crowd on the streets is, of course, losing their minds for the Queen.

2:43 a.m: Every woman in the CNN studio — and both of us — coos when CNN cuts to the wee child bridesmaids getting into the car. They’re so cute! On the other end of the street, Camilla and Charles get out of the car. Charles is WAY greyer than we remember (but aren’t we all?). She’s wearing a very light mint green, and we THINK her coat has pleats at the bottom.

2:45 a.m: People are screaming for the Queen like she’s Justin Bieber. They have Queen Fever. They almost drown out her trumpet fanfare. In addition to more hats in the world, we feel like there ought to be more FANFARES. FANFARES AND HATS FOR ALL.  And tiny bridesmaid children! Pippa is riding with the tiny bridesmaids, one of whom — the tiniest — isn’t really waving to the crowd as much as just holding one hand languidly in the air.

2:48 a.m: The Queen’s hat looks rather like a lovely lemon birthday cake. Heather just said, “EMBARRASSING. She’s wearing the same color as the priests!” That IS awkward. We hope it doesn’t land him in the Tower. She and Prince Phillip walk into the Abbey. Camilla gives her a terribly good curtsy.

2:51 a.m: KATE IS GETTING INTO THE CAR. SHE IS WEARING WHITE AND A VEIL AND LACE SLEEVES AND !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (We can’t really see it.) (But it seems demure and lovely.) (We can’t wait to get a good look at it.) (Vera Wang is all, “there’s a very large skirt.” No kidding, Vera. “You wouldn’t want to wear it to a restaurant.” REALLY? NO KIDDING VERA. You WOULDN’T want to wear the gown you’re wearing to marry THE FUTURE KING OF ENGLAND to a restaurant.)

2:54 a.m: Kate’s dress is very Grace Kelly-ish, from what we can tell. A very classy and beautiful bride to emulate. Everyone lining the route is SCREAMING, which of course you would. We are practically screaming HERE.  The little ringbearers (footman?) and bridesmaids are being led into the Abbey by Pippa, whose white (?) dress is pretty but a bit creased from the car. Wrangling six little kids on a wedding day is A LOT of work for but one woman.

2:57 a.m:  Vera Wang is totally annoying. Shush, Vera, about your feelings about veils. We decided we can’t wait until Kate gets out of the car and she’s wearing a November Rain style mini.

3:00 a.m: This wedding is like military freaking precision in terms of timing. Perhaps literally. We are at the church doors. Here she comes. BE CAREFUL GETTING OUT OF THE CAR KATE. It IS Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen.  She looks LOVELY. Very demure with a pleated train and lace sleeves.

3:05 a.m. The choir kicks in as Wills and Harry make their way to their spots. Wills has this impish grin on his face, eyes darting left to right, as if he is both embarrassed and completely delighted. Kate slowly makes her way up, seeming also nervous but ALSO beaming. Her hand may be trembling as it clutches her father’s. Hell, OUR hands are trembling, and we’re just typing. At 3 a.m. On no sleep. Oh, God, we’re probably going to cry, huh?

3:15 a.m. If anyone is going to object, now is the time.

3:15:30 a.m. … Aaaand, now is the time when we all realize that weddings are really boring for about an hour and ten minutes and then awesome for a total of five. Kate, meanwhile, looks really freaking tired. It gives her the appearance of actually pondering the question about whether she knows just cause that they shouldn’t marry. When in fact we suspect she’s mentally scheduling a catnap. GET IN LINE, MIDDLETON.

3:16 a.m. HE WILL.

3:16:30 a.m. SHE WILL.

3:17 a.m. Newsflash: Catherine “Kate” “Middleton” is a total Joey Potter. She’s got a total half-smile. Except we don’t want to punch her, so she’s got that going for her. And she nailed the names, although she’s a bit stiff-sounding. Wouldn’t you be? You would. No judgment. You can’t get all Kristen Chenoweth up in there with your vows if you’re marrying the future King.

3:18 a.m. Wills struggles to get her very simple gold band on her ring finger. A scheduler just vanished into dust for forgetting to add “ring sizing” to the agenda.

3:19 a.m. So, wait. This thing is an hour and fifteen minutes long, there’s not going to be a kiss, we just did the vows and the ring… they shoved all the best bits up front? That is not how TV works, people!

3:20 a.m. Wow, God is being invoked almost as much as he is after a football game. It must be serious.

3:23 a.m. Sing sing hymny sing sing.

3:25 a.m. Who does James Middleton look like? I mean, aside from James Middleton. Or any other Middleton.

3:26 a.m. I keep expecting the Winklevoss twins to show up.

3:33 a.m. Do you think they held auditions to find the priests with the most dramatic oratory skills?

3:50 a.m. “Jerusalem,” possibly my father’s all-time favorite even though a) he was neither religious nor much of a singer, and b) it was not performed by Freddie Mercury. Miss you, Dad.

3:54 a.m. We were all appalled that the Queen wasn’t singing the anthem until we realized it would be unseemly for her to sing, “God Save Me.” I was hoping she’d bang on her chest and point at herself, though.

3:58 a.m. Hey, it’s Princess Anne! She’s in a purple hat and a purple-and-yellow coat. Apparently, between her and Elton John, Lakers colors were all the rage.

4:06 a.m. Kate — oops, Catherine — seems pretty moved as she and Wills head back down the aisle. I’m not sure I will ever be able to think of her as anything but Kate Middleton.

4:13 a.m. They’re waving so much more NORMALLY than you expect from a royal couple. Everyone freaks out when the carriage drives by, because this is, after all, what all the people waited out there for DAYS to see. Piers Morgan is beside himself. It’s the greatest day of his life. And the weather has held, which is nice.

4:17 a.m. And NOW everyone can start asking when she’ll get pregnant.

4:18 a.m. Vera Wang is going to be narrating our nightmares. She has GOT to stop nasalling it up right now. We can’t deal. In other news, Piers Morgan has proclaimed Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, to be the best human being in this universe and beyond. She also braids the hair of angels and creates puppies out of sand.

4:23 a.m. Wait, are they not kissing on the balcony until after the pictures? Aw, man! Separately, Harry in the carriage with all the little bridesmaids is adorable. We love that he’s in the equivalent of the kids’ table at Thanksgiving. England is going nuts as Kate and Wills ride through the city. She seems awed by the adulation, which makes sense — usually she’s greeted by paparazzi, and probably some catcalls and various shouts of support or whatnot but not anything of this magnitude. This is kind of England officially embracing and adopting her as its future. Sniffle.

And with that, we’re going to wrap up this thing, because it’s 4:30 a.m. and sweet GOD we need to BLOG ABOUT THE OUTFITS. Thanks for hanging out with us here and on Twitter. See you at the next one — AHEM, Harry. (Actually it’s poor old Zara Phillips getting hitched in late July, but nobody will be looking, really, which she might maybe be relieved about when you consider all this pressure.)

Good night! Slash morning!