These are technically not on a celebrity. Not yet. But they will be, and we want you to be prepared.

You may have already seen these, as they were all over the internet yesterday, and in fact I thought, “what can I say about these incredibly dumb pants that hasn’t already been said? I shall hold my tongue.” Then I realized: No. The more people who make a brave stand against incredibly dumb pants, the better. There cannot be too many people standing up to say, “what the hell are you thinking, TopShop? These pants are incredibly dumb.”

Indeed, they are not pants as much as they are plastic sandwich bags for your legs. They are the evil offspring of Kim Kardashian’s clear leg raincoats and the hideous jeans you only wear for gardening. They are a sweat condensation factory, and designed primarily for people with the subconscious desire to have their friends and coworkers make profoundly felt WTF?!?!!? faces behind their backs. They are an existential crisis as expressed by clothing — what are clothes? These trousers technically are categorized as items of “clothing” but do not perform the very function that defines them as such; therefore, can we truly consider them clothes? Where am I? Who are we, really? What is the purpose of life? Is there an afterlife, and, if so, what if we have to wear these? Can I opt out? It’s too early for me to grapple with this. Why, TopShop, did you do this to us?