“I wanted to go to Elton John’s concert, but as it turned out, I was EXACTLY five sharp glass pyramids short of a full hazard pit for the trap I’m building in front of my country estate. Now I don’t need to use Amazon! Everyone wins, except for my mailman if he forgets my instructions.”

[Photos: Chelsea Lauren/Shutterstock, Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP/Shutterstock]