“WHAT? I can be SERIOUS. The Lopez has LAYERS. I am not just a big cocktail for eight, served in a bowl the size of Mars with straws and so much fruit and you light it on fire and drink the burn. I am also a mimosa. A bellini. I FIZZ, lovers. You do not always chug The Lopez.

“Oh, but there is one thing:

“I present to you: THIS GUY. You know the one. He is the young person I have dated for many years who is not a nanny AHEM SCUMFLECK I SEE YOU. Because if I cannot offer my body to you, I will shove tight man-pants at the camera instead. That is my solemn promise to you, my lovers, with liberty and justice for all.”

[Photos: Getty]