Let’s just take in this glamorous view of Rita Ora:

We will see more of this gown in a minute, but let’s just appreciate the chic sleekness of the back. The hourglass-y silhouette. The grace and the color and that eternity of a train.

And then let’s swerve:

WORDS. What are you doing, tragic assclown? (Also, “assclown” is more of an apt word than I even intended. Not that her posterior isn’t in perfect condition, but it also appears to be excreting fabric.) I loathe this with the most feral ferocity. This is the province of a sad climber, not someone who just performed at the Oscars and reportedly did herself proud (I missed her due to the audacity of taking a dinner break). Put your Hanes in the air, Rita, because I’m arresting you for a misuse of the very concept of pantyhose.

Worse, it’s just dumb. It’s the lowest common denominator, and it feels like a waste of a lot of people’s time and talents. I am all for people being confident in their own skin, but I have no problem clutching my pearls over this one, especially because I struggle with the way this reduces her to JUST that skin and so little else. Will anyone actually be talking about her singing this week, or will they be talking about how much undercrack they could see? If you want to be taken seriously, and I think she does, then don’t make yourself the LITERAL butt of the joke. In other words: GET DRESSED. IN A DRESS THAT’S MADE OF ACTUAL DRESS.

Kinda makes the Marchesa feel like a spa day, doesn’t it? I hadn’t been totally wild about the bodice on this — it sits weirdly, with all its folds — but I will embrace this a billion times if it means never having to look at this one again:

It’s a farcical excuse for an outfit when I look at it and think, “Oh, well, PHEW, at least it has seventy percent of a front.” THAT IS NOT A REAL FRONT. And I wish I knew what Donna Karan was even DOING messing around with this. Because remember Lizzy Caplan’s triumph at the Emmys? It is Donna Karan. And it is one of my favorite dresses of all time — one that my diminishing memory banks will still be able to reference a decade or two from now. This is the other side of that coin, and I hope never to flip it again. STOP BEING ASININE, EVERYONE.

Vera Wang must love this, because she also gets the A grade by comparison:

It’s good on her, but then again, it’s also elevated by the snake necklace that Naomi Watts also owns. I suspect that thing can do no wrong, which means it’s either magical, or it’s one of Voldemort’s Horcruxes and it’s bewitching us all to one day do its bidding. Can THAT explain the post-party horror? I mean, it’s as plausible to me as whatever the real reason was.

[Photos: Getty]