Poor ol’ Jessica Biel. If she’d gotten invited to the Oscars, you know she’d have taken Justin on her arm. But he got invited, and who did he take? His mother. Now, this isn’t unusual for him — he loves bringing her as his date places. But given all the rumors that J.T. spelunked Olivia’s munn and wants to dive into Mila’s kunis, having to meet him at the after-party — compared with getting to exit a limo and pose with him on the red carpet — must kind of suck.

So maybe that’s why she showed up in a sexed-up disco dress that not only appears to be pointing at her visible navel, but also makes it look like her crotch is raining glitter. It’s curious, considering it was at an awards-show post-party where J.T. and Biel — newly dating — drove dumped Cameron Diaz to a public jealous hissy. Here’s hoping this doesn’t end the same way for Jessica, but if it does, it won’t be for lack of trying. Although I think the very top part is quite pretty on her, as it goes down, the dress bellows, “Hey, so, Mila might be really pretty and all, but are there any talking airplanes that FEEL in Black Swan? No. So until her genitals can spew sparkles, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.”