JUSTIN BIEBER: Come, my darling. Let’s show the world that you’re my baby, baby, baby, OOOOH.

SELENA GOMEZ: Sure, kid — I mean, Justin, my dearest love.

THE BIEB: I can’t wait to debut our passion to the world. I wore my very best shiny jeans for the occasion.

SELENA: Yes, you sure did.

THE BIEB: They reflect the depth of my glowing ardor for you. Specifically, that I am warm for your form.

SELENA: Great.

THE BIEB: And you wore red, which means PASSION. Get ready for the engagement rumors!

SELENA: Oh, God. I wish I’d worn, like, a giant tube sock instead, so people would be talking about something else.

THE BIEB: What’s that, my tasty Biebette?

SELENA: Um, love you, uh, honey. Kiss kiss.