This dress is, I think, actually totally cute, even if the bottom of it looks a little bit like what would happen if you mixed Astro-turf with Brillo-pads, and therefore I know that if I were there I would be unable to to resist wandering up to Jessica Szhor with vague excuses as to why I needed to pat her hips, just because it’s so fascinatingly tactile. Like, “Oh, Jessica, I think you sat in some lint,” or “Oh, don’t mind me, I think the sparkles in your dress are magnetically attracted to my bracelet. Oooh, your skirt feels weird!” or “Do you mind if I just scrub out the inside of this pot with your hem? Won’t be a sec!”

But here’s the other thing: When I saw this picture in thumbnail form, I thought Vanessa From Brooklyn here was BAI LING, and our girl Bai has literally twenty years on Jessica Szhor. I think the takeaway from that — for us all, truly — is: be careful what you do with your bangs, and never match your cracked out clodhopper shoes exactly to your outfit. MAKE A NOTE, FUG NATION.