Dammit, Kimberly. You are making it extremely difficult for us to ignore you in this year’s Fug Madness.

2019 Hollywood Beauty Awards_Backstage

“It’s chilly out,” she may be thinking. “I should make sure my nipples are covered.”

Seriously, though this is a horror show of a gown, I have to laugh: Her vintage 1998 Mugler is so hilariously bad outside of a runway context (and honestly, not super within it either, but at least it was part of a theme? One phrase, rather than being its own whole paragraph), and she knows it. I mean, she also, I think, fully believes in the bang of her body, the sad irony being that this dress does nothing for it. But I am positive that Kim did not get this far in her curated life by being oblivious. She wore this, to the Hollywood Beauty Awards, no less, fully aware of what kind of reaction this would get; honestly, she may have just been sick of people talking about whether Kenny G is still trapped in her house amid a field of glass vases, and decided to try a little experiment. And lo and behold, all the publications that slavishly cover them and want to stay on their good side turned freaking cartwheels to avoid saying what the rest of the world is thinking — namely, “Great Caesar’s Mounds, that is heinous and dumb.” Some mags were all, “It fit perfectly!” (Which it didn’t even, as you can tell from our first photo.) People went with the more factual “avoids major wardrobe malfunction,” except for how that dress is a walking wardrobe malfunction — it looks like she has strained mammaries and is holding them together with kinesio tape — and another mag decided to hedge that this was a next-level fashion risk, and then talked as little as possible about Kim in favor of shifting to Cardidashian B’s Mugler from the Grammys. (Oh, Cardi, I kid; the Kards could never have pulled that off with your aplomb.)

But let’s all get real, and not sell our souls on the off-chance we can get an interview someday later: Kim is one of the most famous women in the world — not liking that fact doesn’t make it any less true — and it’s pathetic to me that she’d rather devolve for attention when she could evolve and STILL GET IT. Why are we STILL DOING THIS NONSENSE, all these years into Planet Kardashia? It’s not even sexy, or flattering! She buttered up those boobs so hard that they almost look fake, like she fitted a plastic breastplate over herself.┬áIt’s not fashion just because it once was on a runway, and it’s not an interesting risk just because it’s both naked and vintage. It’s just a silly vulgarity from someone who I honestly thought might have graduated from Are You High? School. Instead, now she’s in detention.

[Photos: WENN]