The cast of this movie is such a Casserole of Hmm: It includes Charlie Sheen, Simon Rex, Lindsay Lohan, Darrell Hammond, Snoop Dogg, Molly Shannon, and Ashley Tisdale, a group that reads more like the random participants in a future reality special (Roller Derby With The Stars, say, or Silver Bongs: A Very Snoop-y Christmas, or Celebrity Judo) than of an actual movie.
And I had assumed Lindsay Lohan would show up and vamp it up the most, to celebrate her return to the big screen since — wait for it — Machete in 2010 (although that wasn’t really a LiLo joint; her last actual major role was 2007’s I Know Who Killed Me, which… YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF, CHILD, and I don’t think you know that). But no: Ashley Tisdale is the one here who went full vixen:
Perhaps she is hoping her witchy ensemble will cast a spell on producers and compel them to hire her for things that aren’t Version 5.0 of a marginal parody. She was cute on Hellcats; how come The CW hasn’t lured her to her death on Vampire Diaries, or stuck her on 90210 for a two-episode arc as Someone Who Goes Crazy (it’s their specialty)? Actually, nobody in that cast has turned up anywhere else on that network, which is a strange sign because — as I will expound upon later this afternoon in another post — the CW’s specialty is getting super attached to people and then littering the lineup with them.
Anyway: The dress looks like a crazy person is slowly peeling it off of her. It’s insane. It’s so Maleficent. (Is there a better Evildoer name than Maleficent? It’s even fun to say. Try it. Repeatedly.) Let’s look at it from the side:
The thing is, if you don’t use illusion netting, you’re a rogue step, wiggle, or snapped seam away from flashing your assets; if you do use netting, everyone thinks, “Wow, that’s some wrinkly cheap-ass Twelfth Place In Skating Junior Regionals netting.” In short, it’s a lose-lose proposition. Which, when you’re co-starring with a dude whose catchphrase is “WINNING,” seems like a missed opportunity to teach him what winning actually is.