Okay, we need to talk about the opening VOs for this show and how RIDICULOUS AND INSANE they are now. A hundred years ago, I recapped the last seasons of The X-Files on Television Without Pity: Original Flavor. And if you too watched TXF, you also know that whenever Chris Carter wrote an episode, they would almost always begin with what I once called “The Traditional Ponderous Scully Monologue,” where it was just words that sound pretty but which, if, say, you were to transcribe them, you would quickly realize mean NOTHING. EVERY OPENING VO ON THIS SHOW IS LIKE THAT. Also a hundred years ago, I recapped a season of Big Brother on which there was a contestant who basically made zero sense at all, so I started just putting nonsense words in her mouth, like, I don’t know, “headphone hydrangea flatbread pizza.”¬† The opening voiceover on Revenge is like what you’d get if Chris Carter and a Big Brother¬†contestant had a baby and it’s BAD. Anyway. So was this episode. Maybe I’ll just import that X-Files recap instead. It’s the episode where Mulder starts an email to Scully all, “Dearest Dana,” like, I AM SO SURE. GOD.

ANYWAY. This episode literally includes a five minute scene where Jack doesn’t understand how to read files.

Tags: Revenge