It feels like just yesterday we were contemplating the merits of Nipples vs. Nethers in the play-in game. Or whether Zosia Mamet’s grouchy hipster fug was worse than Chloe Sevigny’s more smiley variety; which nearly nude model, Jessica White or Heidi Klum, was the bigger fashion disaster; whether Lena Dunham’s wardrobe was more depressing than Lindsay Lohan’s; and whether K.Stew or Ke$ha committed the bigger crimes against themselves. It was a particularly grueling spate of match-ups — even the ones that didn’t end up close in the votes somehow still felt like impossible choices.
By yesterday’s final it had come down to Kim Kardashian, the grasping fame-obsessed climber who got herself to A-list name recognition even as she clung to D-list tastes, versus Justin Bieber, the bieberly bieb who biebed himself into bieberly bieberdom.
Whom did you choose? Was this the second time the aura of Kanye West propelled his ladyfriend to a Fug Madness crown, or did a teen twerp’s pantalunacy make him Fug Madness’s first male champion?
Son, among your many problems: They are the opposite of peace signs, on several levels, when you do them nails-out.
In many ways, although the exact path from sixty-five to One Fugging Bieber was as surprising as ever, this outcome felt like destiny. The minute this kid found pants that clung to his calves like needy toddlers, yet dangled and billowed from his pelvis like dying balloons, he sealed his own fate. He took out seasoned fuggers like Julianne Moore and Lady Gaga; a rookie in Lena Dunham; and a perennial top seed (and former finalist) in Rihanna. And ultimately, he snagged 59 percent of the vote against the Kimye Kandashian juggernaut — his tightest clash, yet still a pretty comfortable win even though the decision itself was a nail-biter for a lot of voters.
And neither fugship shows any sign of slowing. We’ve never had even one repeat finalist in all six years of this competition, but 2014 could be the year that changes. BOTH these numbskulls could meet here again in a year (I mean, remember THESE from Bieber? They weren’t eligible for this run, and he STILL won). Or, someone new and glorious could emerge. All I know is, even though I’m exhausted and this sucker just ended, I already can’t wait to get it on again in 2014.
EASY, SON, THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
For the completed bracket, visit our handy Fug Madness Wall of Fame page.
But now, it’s time for the cheese toast with bonus fromage. That’s right: Our GFY HQ Chief Editor, Post-Production Guru, and Fug Husband/All-Around National Treasure has been toiling away at our annual recap of the Fug Madness insanity, set to the world’s silliest celebratory song plucked straight from the March Madness tradition itself. Here it is, at long last: the 2013 version of “One Fugging Moment.”
Thanks, Fug Nation, for making this lark of ours such a kick-ass good time. We sincerely love you guys so much. Our affection for you is larger even than your distaste for Bieber’s diaper pants.