There was a rumor going around in September that Tom Cruise and Jessica White were dating, and I think I speak for us all when I say PLEASE XENU LET THAT BE TRUE because LOOK:

If she plays her cards right, she could be initiated very quickly as some kind of new, extremely complicated Scientology deity, and Tom could tuck himself right there under her armpit, pull the sleeve around himself, and run that scam like Oz. Or burst out of it tap-dancing. Both.

We might as well let her turn around for us, because she put in so much effort:

Yes, put a bow on it. It would’ve been so incomplete without that.

[Photos: Getty]