“What, you guys don’t like my boob cape? Dude, I knew it. I knew I should’ve worn it with the matching shower shoes. Yes, the whole thing would’ve been ripped out of a wedding rehearsal at Coachella, but then maybe you all would’ve focused on THAT instead of complaining about my wonky pink pants and beige shoes and whether this is really just a Prom dress with hurt feelings.
“And maybe you wouldn’t have wondered about how my new boyfriend looks a bit like a shorter blond version of my ex-husband. Don’t unpack that. Just… scroll back up and imagine me waving my skirt around until you’re hypnotized into buying at least eight seasons of The Big Bang Theory on DVD, and then we don’t have to speak of this again.
“Or failing that, just focus on my triceps and shoulders, because they will KNOCK YOU OUT. In a good way. But also theoretically the other way, if we’re being honest.”
[Photos: Getty, Fame/Flynet]