It’s come to my attention that some people don’t want to hear “Last Christmas,” and refer to the month of December as Whamageddon, with the goal being to get through it unscathed. To that I say: WHAT THE DICKENS? I mean, more Wham for the rest of us, I guess. I LOVE “Last Christmas.” The song, of course, not the terrible movie that Emma Thompson wrote that somehow tries to shoehorn in a story about Yugoslavian immigrants — in which she plays a Yugoslavian immigrant — into a rom-com about Emilia Clarke pulling her shit together. Which itself is confusing because as the movie progresses, and she ostensibly improves, one of the ways we’re meant to tell is that her hair gets tidier. But it actually ends up a way worse and dated hairdo than the messy one from when she was a disaster. Anyway, the movie is wretched. You should obviously watch it.

Speaking of things you need to watch, either put your computer on mute or don’t, but LET’S GET WHAMMED:

I watched this whole thing on mute just to see what that experience was like, and it’s very entertaining. It opens with SO MUCH WAVING. Like, really enthusiastic waving, and feathered hair, and plaid. There’s a subplot about a dude getting snowed on while collecting firewood. Apparently they can’t get to their cabin unless they shlep all their stuff from the cable car, and there’s no gate, so they have to hop the fence? ARE THEY BREAKING IN?

And then the jealousy. The bitter looks from inside fur hoods. The snowballs. The BROOCH. Whose friend group is this, exactly? Was it George’s? Was it George’s and Brunette’s? Is Andrew Ridgeley the amiable plus-one she brought this year, or was he in it before too? Did he STEAL Brunette, or did she and George just break up? What happened? Why is everyone trying to act like this is normal? Can we get the extended mix with a lot more plot? Didn’t anyone notice that Brunette re-gifted the diamond brooch she got from George, and more importantly, why DID she re-gift a diamond brooch? And why is Andrew Ridgeley super stoked to be wearing a diamond brooch? Does George even really like the blonde he brought this year? Because he spends no time looking at her at all, so if she’s “someone special,” then I dread to think how he treats someone mundane. And why were they doing all that shlepping for one tree-trimming, one dinner, one snowball fight, and — despite the presence of skis — zero skiing?

It’s perfect, of course. As you know, my theory is that Emma and Greg Wise got tipsy at Christmas and this song came on and they were like — spoiler, I guess? — “Ha ha ha, he GAVE her his heart, OMG WAIT WHAT IF HE GAVE HER HIS HEART,” and wrote the pitch while sozzled. I can’t otherwise figure out why you’d ignore that there is so much plot right here. So many blanks to fill in. So many cable cars in Saas Fee to commandeer for a shoot. Can we get a redo? I need more of Henry Golding doing some healing in the snow and in front of a crackling fire. Maybe we’ll write it instead.

That, or we’ll base it on the album artwork:

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There is DEFINITELY a story to be told THERE.

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