Well. Please accept our deepest apologies for not giving Fug Madness its usual, timely conclusion. The fact is, the winner was not a huge surprise, so it seemed anti-climactic to announce it without our traditional “One Fugging Moment” video montage — and for that, we rely on the good grace of our in-house Post-Production Supervisor and General Wizard of Video Hijinks, who works on it for free in his spare time. The issue being, he has not HAD any free time; he’s been working 24/7 at his day job. But bless him, as soon as that tide ebbed again, he sat right down and got into it without me even asking. PRIORITIES!
And so it’s with glee and a lot of relief that I can announce the identity of Fug Madness’s first-ever repeat winner. This was a given the moment both Miley Cyrus and Kim Kardashian made it to the finals, as they’ve both emerged victorious in the past, and have met now THREE times in the finals. They are the most formidable foes that The Art of Fuggery has to offer. But only one got to add a notch to her belt. Only one emerged from the Fugderdome alive. And that is:
Final score: 63 percent to 37 percent. I know some of you are tired of Kim — I do hear you, and understand — and I know people are pushing for her to be taken out of the running. But we can’t realistically do that. Consider this: There was a period of time when I sure wished the L.A. Lakers would be declared ineligible for all future NBA Championships, because they’ve got plenty, and I don’t like them, and BORING, etc. And LOADS of people would cheer if the New England Patriots were removed from all future Super Bowls. But, all cheating allegations aside, you can’t just tell the Patriots in a given season, “Well, you go to the Super Bowl a LOT and it’s ruining my fun, so you just can’t go anymore, no matter what happens in any of your games.” Kim Kardashian is the New England Patriots of fuggery. She is a dynasty. She plays hard (and yeah, you might even suspect she’s cheating sometimes, because what OTHER REASON could ANYONE have for wearing some of these things?). Search your hearts, though: Is there REALLY a much better candidate for worst-dressed of the year? Did she REALLY deserve to lose a contest that’s meant to hone in on the very worst and weirdest in fashion? Would you REALLY have gone to bed feeling like justice was served if we had left out Kim, and someone else had won? Isn’t it more satisfying when your favorite team straight-up beats the very best the opponent has to offer, without any asterisks about who was injured or what school was declared ineligible that year?
I would maybe have voted for J.Lo, had she made it. Others likely would have voted for Heidi Klum. And that’s fair. But my point is, the conversation cannot be had in a REMOTELY accurate way without Kim in it, because she is… a force of nature. Almost every celebrity with a history of INSANE outfits has pulled it together at some point or another — or even, at least, rides the wave up and down. But Kim is consistent. Kim may NEVER pull it together. And that is… quite something, no? To paraphrase Hamilton for the umpteenth time, this may not be a moment — this may be a movement. It is commitment. You could add up all her marriages and she wouldn’t have logged as many days as she has fugly outfits. So congratulations on your repeat win and fourth trip to the finals, Kim. I assume Kylie will, in all things, eventually seize your throne. Enjoy it while you can.
And now for the piece de resistance: “One Fugging Moment,” our intentionally cheeky and cheesy photo montage that highlights the worst of Fug Madness 2016.
Say it with us: WORDS.