“HOLA LOVERS. We must talk. Sometimes we learn to live with less, lovers. Times are difficult. I am trying to live without as much sex with that guy whose name I could not ever remember so I just called him Beau, and I must learn to be not so selfless. I give and give and give, lovers, so that you can live and live and live, but sometimes I cannot let you have all of me. And so you will only have East Leg City today. The party is over and Leonardo DiCaprio is bleeding and West Leg is closed. Because sometimes, lovers, I think that you can only cope with half of a Lopez. You can have my metal necktie and my peek of labia and my shoulders that are sculpted from stone and hope, but the buffet is not All You Can Eat tonight. You will devour The Lop and I will keep the Ez for when I need it most. Thank you for understanding, lovers, although shh, you did not have a choice. The Lop owns you.”

[Photos: Splash]