Remember Francia Raisa? She was on Secret Life of Who Knew Shailene Woodley Just Needed Better Material? as Adrien, the girl who slept around because No One Loved Her, and then….listen, let me just give you some bits and pieces from the Secret Life Wikipedia page, which, in my professional opinion, needs some editing. Come on, Brenda Hampton:
Ahem: “Adrian is jealous of Amy because Amy had Ricky’s baby and she knows that they will always be connected….Adrian then angrily throws Amy a baby shower although Grace was the one who threw the shower while Adrian had sex with her stepbrother in the other room [ed: WHAT?? I’m already confused. That being said, there is no better way to get revenge on a rival than banging…someone’s….stepbrother in another room during a baby shower]. Adrian later decides that she wants a more serious relationship with Ricky and tells him that she loves him. They decide that they will work at being in a relationship and although Adrian agrees to stop having sex with other boys, Ricky says he still wants to have sex with other girls [ed: Ricky sounds like an asshole]. Adrian later has sex with Ben in an attempt at revenge after finding out that Ricky and Amy kissed [ed: sleeping with the local dipwad as revenge is NOT as good an idea as nailing a stepbrother during a baby shower]. Adrian later discovers that she’s pregnant with Ben’s baby [ed: Because everyone on this show gets pregnant, seriously]. At first she decides to have an abortion, having even spoke with a counselor at an abortion clinic [but] Adrian soon decides not to go through with an abortion and plans on keeping the baby instead [ed: I’M SO SHOCKED BY THIS TELEVISUAL DEVELOPMENT]. Ben has given Adrian an expensive ($50,000) “friendship ring,” which they have agreed is just a friendship ring, unless they both agree later on that it means something else [ed: WHAT? Also, WHAT???]…. But both of them have falling in love with each other unaware of it while it was happening [ed:…okay, I think I am following.] Ben then decides to make the friendship ring an engagement ring and surprises Adrian with the proposal [ed: of course EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW GETS MARRIED IN HIGH SCHOOL]. They subsequently marry, and moved in together in a condo. Both her and Ben are devastated when their baby, whom they were planning to name Mercy, is born as a stillborn. [ed: I could write a thesis on what BS it is that this show decides to punish the “slutty” one by killing her baby but this paragraph is already really long. Suffice to say: I hate you, Secret Life] Adrian tries to keep Ben in the marriage by having another baby. He was willing to do so, but Adrian decides she loves Ricky. The two are separated and are getting a divorce [ed: WHY DON’T ALL OF YOU GO TO COLLEGE AND LEARN SOME STUFF AND TRY BEING SINGLE FOR A WHILE]. Meanwhile, Adrian is introduced to a friend of Daniel’s, Dante. She feels as if they get along well, but he leaves the country for a semester abroad, and Adrian begins going out with Dante’s brother, Omar. [ed: ADRIAN. Look to Kelly Taylor and CHOOSE YOURSELF JUST ONCE.] At the graduation party, Adrian wants one last kiss from Ricky to see if the spark is still there [ed: oh my god both of you move on I didn’t even watch this show and I’m already over this.]. With Amy’s okay, Ricky kisses her, and Adrian is relieved to discover that she no longer is obsessed with Ricky. However, Omar is offended at her kissing Ricky, and leaves the party without her. Adrian, upset, ends up sleeping with Henry that evening, and they are discovered the next morning by a shocked Alice [ed: WAIT. WHO IS HENRY? Also, you have GOT to stop sleeping with people to make a point when you could just SAY STUFF TO THEM, ADRIEN. Also, in my imagination, this is Omar from The Wire]. “
And then the Wikipedia entry just ENDS and I have NO IDEA what happened in the final season. I assume it was ENRAGING. But I think we can all agree that at least her outfit seems less confusing in comparison to what that poor fictional character was forced to endure.
PS: Girl, I do not want to add to your troubles, but this dress does not FIT YOU:
I fear this evening will end in tears and nip slips rather than assignations with some mysterious step-brother. And no one wants that.
[Photos: Getty]
