“Hey. You. Yeah, that’s right. Remember me? I’m nominated tonight for something nobody watched? And I’m playing Superman’s mother in the new movie? Well, I just thought I’d pop by to remind you that I’m crazy f’ing beautiful and you should LOOK OUT.

“That’s right. I’m hot. I’ve been hot since about 1982. I am a non-stop hot. I’m a direct flight from Hot Angeles International Airport to London Hotthrow. I don’t age. I don’t have a portrait in my attic nor the blood of innocents in my coffee. I’m JUST REALLY REALLY GOOD-LOOKING. I make Derek Zoolander feel homely and small. So it’s okay that you didn’t know I was nominated, or that you probably didn’t watch Cinema Verite. Because a) I will see you at the Multiplex, when my insanely hot Martha Kent adopts that Clark kid and everyone is all, “What up, SuperMILF,” and b) because at the end of the day, I get to wake up looking like this every f’ing morning and it is AWESOME.”

[Photos: Getty]