Okay, new plan to reboot this show. Everyone dies other than Nolan, Margaux,  maybe Jack, Victoria, Stevie Grayson, Roger Bart and Olivier Martinez. (And Baby Carl can also live but will need to be relocated to a farm off-camera.) They all move over to USA Network where they fight crime. THE END. Things you need to know that happened in this episode before we just throw up our hands and talk outfits:

  1. Apparently Revenge’s vision of England looks just like Pasadena, but Aidan DOES wear an amazing trench coat there because it’s illegal not to wear a great trench coat in England; other than that, did we really need like seventy-five minutes of Aidan’s mother’s personal pain? Because we got them and they were really boring, despite Barry Sloane’s best attempts. Also, Emily and Aidan are back together because reasons.
  2. Did we also need seventy-five minutes of business yammering from Conrad and Olivier Martinez? Does ANYONE ever think, “it’s Sunday night…I want to think about OBTUSE POINTS OF BUSINESSES I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND.” I guess Conrad has taken over… something… of… Olivier’s….? Who is even doing business with Conrad anymore? He’s had a plane AND a building explode on his watch.
  3. There is a plotline happening with NoOne WhoCares and Nolan WRT NoOne WhoCares’s bitchin’ new app that is SO EMBARRASSING that I am not going to even go over it for you. They made Gabriel Mann utter the phrase, “romancing the blogosphere” and there was a scene where NoOne WhoCares actually threatens to STORM OUT despite the fact that HE IS UNDER HOUSE ARREST. This is not even addressing the fact that the show keeps telling us that NoOne WhoCares is this young buck programming prodigy but the actor quite sincerely looks 35. And has no birthday listed on IMDb, which is basically Hollywood code for I’M LYING ABOUT MY AGE SO HARD RIGHT NOW.  Even if he’s not lying about his age, the dude comes across as Jack’s contemporary which makes him bad casting. The bad news is the the combo of NoOne WhoCares and Charlotte seems to be set up to discover some major plot points and no one will know because everyone is getting up for a sandwich during those scenes.
  4. Jack is jealous of Daniel (!!!!) and Margaux just goes, “I don’t like jealous men,” and kisses him and then calmly walks out, because she is the best. She also OWNS Olivier Martinez in both their professional and personal lives and her accessories are amazing. She is the only person on this show that I actually actively like. Even Nolan has been sidelined, which is SO DUMB on the show’s part.  (I do think Daniel is being set up to actually BE in love with her, which DOES make sense because she’s awesome.)
  5. I would love to explain to you how the Emily/Roger Bart/Victoria/Stevie Grayson plot machinations really worked but despite the massive amounts of exposition, I do not know. All you need to know is that SOMEONE KILLED ROGER BART WITH POISONED SHAVING CREAM and THAT is what pushes Stevie Grayson off the wagon, and then Jack sends her back to Los Angeles because apparently the Hamptons REALLY DO make Stevie drink.
  6. AND THEN IT TURNS OUT THAT ROGER BART ISN’T REALLY DEAD. Emily sent him shaving cream that made him seem dead — presumably the cousin to the sleeping draught Friar Laurence gives Juliet in Romeo and Juliet, yet considerably less romantic, given that Roger Bart wakes up in a body bag to be rescued by Nolan. Roger Bart’s wise rejoinder to this turn of events is, “what the hell?” He then gets shipped off to the Maldives and promises to keep his mouth shut AGAIN, but not before he tells Nolan something about how some OTHER reporter also faked HIS own death. Oh, Revenge. Stop shipping off the most compelling characters!

Let’s just look at outfits. I mean, no one is following the plot anymore, right?