Fug the Fromage: The Complete Archive
We love a good hunk of fromage, be it on a cracker or on our TV screens. Sometimes full movies demand to be fugged — either made for the small-screen, or the big screen, or the big screen even though they SHOULD have been small-screen (ahem, Country Strong). Here are the feature-length cheesefests we’ve written up so far:
MADE FOR TV
Behind the Candelabra: Two words: Matt Damon’s disco balls. Wait, that’s four. Here are two more: Michael Douglas.
Beyonce: Whatever That “Documentary” She Made For HBO Was Called: Also known as Things Beyonce Wants You To Believe About Beyonce.
Christmas Cupid: Because you’d been DESPERATE for Christina Milian and Chad Michael Murray to unite on screen.
The Client List: That which started it all. Our first fromage is the Jennifer Love Hewitt movie that spawned the Lifetime series (which then rewrote parts of the movie, because it’s not like this sucker ended on a cliffhanger), about a recessionista prostitute.
A Deadly Adoption: We…don’t even know.
The Lost Valentine: Because after playing a sassy hooker masseuse, J.Lo.Hew needed to scrub up and join forces with Betty White.
Liz & Dick: Lindsay Lohan does unspeakable things to Elizabeth Taylor’s memory.
Magic Beyond Words: The J.K. Rowling Story: Poppy Montgomery stars as the Harry Potter author in a dirt-free, benign telling of her rise to fame.
Mean Girls 2: Dumping on the fine legacy of the original.
Sharknado: Ian Ziering fights sharks that blew in on the winds of contrivance — and the winds of HILARRIBLE. Tara Reid also “stars.”
The Sound of Music Live: Starring Christina Aguilera as Maria, Cee-Lo Green as Captain Von Trapp, Blake Shelton as Mother Superior, and Adam Levine as the Baroness. … Sigh. No. But don’t you wish?
William and Kate: Camilla Luddington, before moving onto Grey’s Anatomy, plays Kate Middleton in this rushed, milquetoast version of the Cambridges’ courtship.
Country Strong: Gwyneth Paltrow, Garrett Hedlund, Leighton “Blair Waldorf” Meester, lots of singing, “Bull True,” a bird in a box, and basically, the movie that brought us Musical GOOP for that weird period of time.
The Last Song: Written by Nicholas Sparks as a vehicle for Miley Cyrus, this is the movie where she and Liam Hemsworth met (and which his family thus deeply regrets), and Greg Kinnear and Kelly Preston and Suburgatory’s Carly Chaiken are also dragged into the fray.
Mannequin: Kim Cattrall, Andrew McCarthy, Estelle Getty, James Spader as you’ve never seen him again, GW Bailey as Lt. Provenza probably used to be… this movie has everything, and not even in a facetious SNL Stefon way.