Eurovision 2018: As Usual, I Wish I Had Gone To This

First, let’s note that each contestant gets an intro video of them walking through a door that’s been dropped randomly into a different part of Portugal:

It’s like Monsters Inc., but with mildly less-scary things coming through, her strange tracksuit notwithstanding. It is my favorite thing. I didn’t get shots of all of them, but it’s a delight to see her walk out and be like, “Oh, am I at a… garden party? I did not dress for croquet.”

Eleni’s song is called “Fuego.” And for a song whose name means “fire,” she takes a really long time to get to that, first announcing that she has the eyes of a lioness and then crooning, “You got me pelican fly-fly-flyin’.” Now, unless “pelican” is slang for something extremely sexy, that is confusing to me, as they are not known to me as being very lusty or thrilling birds.

Perhaps conscious that she needed to start with more of a bang, to distract us from her interpretations of the animal kingdom, Eleni handled this by WEARING FIRE and singing in a CGI tunnel of lava.

However, she knows a big finish when she smells one.

FIRE! This song was fine, but seriously, my notes just said, “Catsuit.” I think that about covers it.

Austria was winning, until the viewers came in and voted up “Toy.” His song was totally harmless pop sung by a really hot dude, which sometimes is all a Eurovision jury needs to makeup its mind.

But first, for his video, they had him walk through the door and STRAIGHT into oncoming traffic.

Oncoming BIKE traffic, but still. That’s very aggressive, Eurovision. Let a guy come to grips with his surroundings before he has to leap out of harm’s way.

“Why are you doing this to me, Portugal? ALL I WANT IS TO SING TO YOU OF MY YEARNING…”

“… while wearing rubber Bieber pants. AS NATURE INTENDED.”

“Wait, wait, okay, so you’re not convinced. I have one more trick up my pants. I mean, my sleeve. I mean, my stage.”

Michael is evidently a pretty successful YouTuber, in addition to looking like a cross between Carrot Top and Percy Weasley.

But he’s sad, yo.

No, I mean REALLY sad.

All jokes aside: This song starts out seeming to be about grief, but then he says that the person he lost “let me walk the alone,” as if the person did it on PURPOSE, and then I thought it might’ve been about a deadbeat parent. But then it came back around to being sad, and the crowd was all crying, so I Googled it: Michael wrote it for his deceased dad. (I had ALSO thought it was about his mother; Michael and I, it seems, get our wires crossed a lot.)

It’s always a heart-tugger when the family photo albums come out. In the end, I thought this song was rather good, and I was totally on board with Carrot Weasley and his pain. He was better, to me, than both Cyprus AND Austria, at least.

Also: NO FIRE, although that would’ve been a tricky proposition in a song about death. One doesn’t want to imply arson, nor the flames of Hell.

He leaned into the CGI imagery, though. This is like an angel in prison stripes. Could it be the emotional jail his loss has left him in, languishing, ALONE? Maybe, or maybe it’s just pretty. Either way, Michael, you kind of got the shaft. I might buy your song. TAKE THAT, Eurovision.

Italy did at least sing in its native language, something I always really enjoy in Eurovision. Don’t pander to the English speakers, y’all. Make us better ourselves. Although the graphics came up in all manner of different languages:

Suddenly I can’t remember if they DID sing in Italian, or if they just didn’t translate the song name. This is how little I cared about Mop Top and his pal Wiglet:

I don’t know if those are hairpieces or not, but I’ve decided they ABSOLUTELY are, and I don’t want anyone to tell me otherwise. They look, for lack of a better word, plonked.

Nor am I trying to, Italy. Especially your wigs. Keep the hell out of those.

Anyhoo, when you sing last, as Italy did, I feel like one of two things can happen: Either people are so spent that they’re already checked out and looking ahead to their ballots, or you are the last thing they heard and so they’re nice to you because you’re fresh. The latter may have been at play here for the voters: Cyprus and Italy both did well and sang in the 25th and 26th slots — the last two — and the winner, Israel, sang 22nd. I’m just saying. But for me, it was the former. I was READY TO BE DONE and this totally bored me. My notes read solely, “Last.”

This kid came out and did a boy-band style routine largely by himself.

He’s dressed as a total Milhouse, which delights me, and could only be improved by singing one of Kirk Van Houten’s Greatest Hits (although I’m not sure he ever had one other than “Can I Borrow A Feeling?”). His performance was intercut with shots of silhouetted guys dancing, and we never had any idea where they were until later.

I THINK the guys were each standing behind one of those squares, but we didn’t get a shot of the stage until after they had moved on, so we will never know. It was very disorienting. As was this:

Mikolas’s signature Make Them Scream move was to turn around and show us his backpack. While shimmying. Perhaps some slang got lost in translation and he thought this was what “shake your booty” meant.

At least his pals are having fun. This was cute and lively, and took place right in the middle of the run after a MAD BORING performance, so I bet it did this well because people associated it from being woken up out of a dreadful funk.

Y’all, I call bullshit on Sweden. Not as a NATION; I just think they might be piping mind-controlling drugs through the air ducts, or something, because Sweden always does pretty well at these things and I can’t always tell why. PARTICULARLY in this case.

You’ll have to dig to see the final performance if you’re in North America, because the world doesn’t want us to have nice things, but: I swear this dude lip-synched. I assume that is a no-no in Eurovision unless it’s part of your complicated vocal act and you are at least singing some of it live, but this guy didn’t appear as if any real sounds were coming out of his mouth, and they cut around him really aggressively. His song was boring, and his performance lacked fire of ANY kind, literal or metaphorical.

He just sort of trotted around on a bunch of fluorescent lights. I’ll take the original Xanadu over this, thanks very much.

Ross Mathews and Shangela from Ru Paul’s Drag Race did the commentary, and they were… not good. For example, Ross noted that this lady loves all Disney princesses, and Shangela said, “Really? That’s SICKENING.” Either that’s a wrong use of sickening, or it’s slang for rad, and thus, a total overstatement, because a person expressing affinity for Disney princesses is about as controversial as saying puppies are cute.

She did, however, have a rad DRESS. Apparently this is just a regular garment onto which they projected the images, timed very carefully to correspond with her song. There’s a really interesting article in the Radio Times all about the logistics of this, in which it’s revealed that the acts have about 35 seconds to get on-stage after the previous singer finishes. So this dress needed to be light, but they didn’t have a ton of time to get it properly placed. It’s a miracle they managed.

Here is the quote about what the projections meant: “There is a girl. She is an icy queen where love will melt her heart. The snow will become water. And after there is glowing, like a fairytale. And with Elina’s hands there is growing of flowers – and after that she sends out these flowers, sending her love. And she is filled with love,” explains Movko. “It’s the same story with colours in the song. They go from pastel colours to full red flowers. It’s about love.”

That is really stunning. She doesn’t even have to move.

Gorgeous.

I am not even mad about the lack of fire.

These dudes went with grim showmanship.

I got so excited to see the ships come out, thinking, “Oh, okay, we’re going to get some pyrotechnics, maybe some people shot out of cannons, or a great sea battle… This could go a LOT of good ways.” And then the lead singer shouted to the crowd, “WALK WITH US!”

That is… not what I had hoped.

What’s that you say, Viking Jared Leto? You have one more killer move for me?

Eh. Les Miserables did it better.

Well, that’s it, I’m moving to Moldova. I feel like they have more fun than anyone else just about every year, and this one was no exception. It’s as if they have embraced their nation’s name similarity to the Dynasty principality Moldavia, and decided to go soapy whenever possible.

We begin with this lady poking her head out of a giant wall, ready to party. Then she disappears and a dude comes out to do his thing for a while…

… and suddenly there are three of her.

Neither of them seems perturbed by all the extra legs. More limbs equals more sexy fun time, I suppose, right? Sure!

BUT WAIT! ESCANDELO! She is SINNING WITH ANOTHER.

And there is SIMULATED BANGING. The entire Eurovision audience, I think, gave a little gasp in this moment. I couldn’t see any of them and I was watching this on a small laptop and I STILL felt the room react. Which is a surprise to me, actually, because history indicates that the crowd is usually TOTALLY hammered, so it seems more probable that they’d take this as a suggestion and drag their loved ones into a semi-private corner.

O INGLORIOUS PERFIDY, with whom is she cheating?!? Which came first, the crimson or the blue?

This dude is like, “I don’t even know.”

But then the doppelgangers came out — and it’s worth noting that there actually had to be more than just those three back there for some of the tricks, but whatever — and I almost got mad. A magician never reveals his or her tricks, Moldovans!

Still, while there was no fire, we DID get psychosexual shenanigans and a lot of body parts. A+++++. See you in my new Moldovan vacation home.

My notes read, “Catchy and a bit wail-y.”

I give him credit for all the circles on his shirt — they are intriguing — but I remember almost none of this performance, and he looks kind of like Ellen DeGeneres in costume as Bradley Cooper. Zero stars.

Well, this was a sweet little number. Iera went out there and sang a very indie-voiced ballad about true love…

… with a bunch of projections of older couples dancing, and younger couples cuddling their children…

… and it is basically the Eurovision version of the opening of Up, minus the actual tragic parts that make you want to crawl under the bed and sob and listen to “Fix You” by Coldplay or whatever. The whole thing is unexpectedly touching, especially when she finishes it by bringing out her own husband…

… and taking his hands, and singing directly into his face, “I’m not afraid to grow old, if I have your hand to hold,” and then suddenly they’re both crying and hugging. Y’all, I do not come here to be punched in the feelings about love, partnership, and the passage of time, even if it IS a tender love ballad. I want PYRO. TECHNICS. And yet I also really enjoyed this and want to hug the whole world right now.

The good news is, the pre-roll suggests Iera spent the week starring in a PBS costume drama. Which… oh, God, wait, maybe that’s bad news. We all saw what happened to Cousin Matthew in his motorcar. Maybe it’s BAD news GET OUT, IERA. GET OUT OF THE CAR.

And then France showed up, all, “We don’t want to win this. AU REVOIR.” They performed 13th and placed 13th and I assume everyone who voted for them just picked them at random to fill out the points?

This group was put together ENTIRELY for this contest, including a dude on the left who is American and once opened up for *NSYNC, or something?

Their performance was crazy dull, hence the split-screening to try and spice it up, and was FULL of gazing and sweaters and facial hair.

Yep. Check, check, check. All three boxes.

This seriously looks like that SNL sketch where the pretentious high-school theatre troupe puts on sketches that make wrongheaded statements. We’re all false angst and shoulder pads and some SERIOUS volume on those knit sleeves.

AND NO FIRE. It’s been way too long. UNACCEPTABLE.

I really wanted to show this to the beans, but Kevin and I realized quickly that we CANNOT, because they are — as I was, and sometimes still am — major Repeat Listeners, and they would insist on seeing it twelve times in a row, and then I’d have nothing else in my head for a year. (We went from two weeks of the Aladdin Broadway soundtrack, to School of Rock, to Moana. I saw it for the first time two days ago and I already know all the words.)

This guy used graphical technology that’s become pretty popular in the last few years — if I’m not mistaken, it essentially WON this thing for Sweden a few years ago — to illustrate his little ditty about, yes, how one writes a song.

And y’all, it turns out that writing a song is really easy. Per Alexander, “Step one: Believe in it and sing it all day long. Step two: just roll with it. That’s how you write a song.” I look forward to my new career, Alexander. Thanks for unlocking my inner poet. I look forward to “Where Are My Car Keys?” becoming the next great club jam.

He IS amusingly impish while pretending to play instruments he knows YOU can see, but which are not there.

“Am I blowing your mind? AM I? I AM. LET ME TICKLE YOUR AIR IVORIES.”

And now’s the time on Sprockets when we… kick a soccer ball and think about skiing and chess strategy? Sure.

I almost wrote this guy off as a smug American Idol Scotty McCreery wannabe, but he actually had a nice little love song. It was popular with the crowd because the performance alongside it depicted a homosexual love story:

These two dudes basically met on a bridge, as you do, and were drawn to each other and then torn apart and then united once more.

Everyone’s hotter by lamplight. It was a nice moment, but nice doesn’t win Eurovision. UNLESS THERE IS ALSO FIRE.

There was not.

Come with me on this journey. It has everything: vampires, special effects, contact lenses, that thing where you’re buried in your own piano.

MELOVIN opened the show — I’ve decided he gets all caps, whether he uses them or not — and so this was the first frame of ANYTHING we saw in the Grand Final. You’ve got to admire a dude who makes scorching eye contact with the camera through his hell coffin.

And then it opened up and he was TIPPED UP AND OUT OF IT and onto his feet, at which point we learn that he was taking his slumber of the damned inside his own piano. Which he later played, because he’s THAT kind of vampire.

He’s a cross between Marilyn Manson and Falco. And when he decided it was time to caress his instrument, he climbed back up the stairs to that piano…

… and then LIT THEM ON FIRE.

FIRE. EVERYWHERE.

“Fire!”

He also got a very nice door from which to emerge onto a treacherous cliff. It’s a TRAP. Look down, MELOVIN, or else you’re going to plummet to your doom.

Do white horses acknowledge vampires?

This was, quite possibly, my favorite beginning to any Eurovision EVER.

This guy apparently has MET Waylon Jennings and is his biggest fan. He had a record deal over here in the late 90s and performed with Mr. Jennings, and then quit the U.S. when Waylon died in 2002. His song sounded for all the world like something you’d hear today on country radio. It is a strange choice for The Netherlands, but not unaccomplished, at least. Dude, come back to the U.S. We have ten thousand country music associations who ALL hand out awards and would probably be delighted to have you. Also, leopard print is so hot right now.

Oh, but: Having written all that, apparently I missed a controversy with his backup dancers, where some accused him of — per this article — cultural appropriation because some of them were krumping. That article is not great because it feels like it was awkwardly translated, so maybe y’all who watched can shed some light.

Psst, Waylon. Fire. Look into it. Or, like, some acrobats, or some kind of Billy the Kid style pantomime showdown. I’m available for consulting.

This performance started with a groovy old dude on the woodwinds.

And I really wish he’d been given his due. It was a strong lead-off image, only made better if he had been BLOWING FIRE out of that thing. I know, I know, I go on about fire a lot. But it’s been a really long day of watching Eurovision, screengrabbing Eurovision, editing and cropping Eurovision, and writing about Eurovision.

These three ladies then took flight with their song, and while it was a bit stilted, I was here for the girl power taking over from Old Man Piper.

And then:

KABOOM. DEATH TO FUN.

“I… okay, Keith. Whatever. Just walk all over our meeting like you own this place, even though you’ve only worked here for two months and I had to redo your Power Point slides four times. UGH. WHY ARE MEN.”

This photo made me laugh. It looks like Toby from This Is Us living out his secret dream of being a Serbian pop legend. Would anyone like to buy that plot line? I am for sale.

Jessica is apparently pretty successful in Australia — if I’m reading it correctly, it’d be kind of like if we sent Kelly Clarkson to the imaginary Eurovision in which we are competing — but it was not a super auspicious start.

Her dress is Jem and the Holograms mixed with Ariana Grande’s ponytail, and I don’t actually remember much of the song. Let me tell you what I do recall: The audience got really into it near the end, and do you know why? Do you? Give you one guess.

FIRE.

What can I say about Aws. He has a majestic side swoop of hair. He is shoe-averse — the Thomas Jane of Hungary; he performed barefoot the entire time — and he is unafraid to scream. The song is apparently written from the point of view of a dying man telling his family to let him go in body but carry him with them in their veins, and was inspired by the death of the singer’s father. That’s TWO Grief Jams in this contest, which feels like a lot, but you would NEVER know it from hearing this. Other than him wailing “GOODBYE” over and over again in Hungarian, I guess. This song was a rock joint, to the point that one of the band members even crowd-surfed.

That looks like an unpleasant experience.

But you know what wasn’t?

OH YEAH. From somewhere in the Great Beyond, his father is like, “Yes! FIRE!”

So, Lea drew the short straw in The Great Portuguese Door Experiment of 2018.

That is… quite a vista she is contemplating.

Lea is a mother. And I know this because Ross Mathews, during this video, announced, “She’s a mother!” To which Shangela replied, “WHAAAAAT? She’s so beautiful!!!!” as if it is a surprise that anyone who brought forth a child from her uterus might have avoided Eternal Hagdom. It is at this point that I wanted her to win the whole damn thing.

But, her song is called “No, thanks,” and that pretty much sums it up.

Even her leotard and tights are like, “No thanks.”

Sincerely, my notes read, “Strobe and leotards.” There is a moment in which she stopped and called out to the crowd to sing along with her, and they cut to a guy shooting his friends the MOST disdainful “ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS” expression. Perhaps he heard she’s a mother and he JUST CANNOT BELIEVE she is also wearing a leotard, because God forbid mothers contain multitudes.

Oh, you crazy kids.

You are adorable, and her dress is great, but you CANNOT follow up a piano-dwelling fire vampire (they came after MELOVIN) with a gentle love ballad and zero pageantry. It’s not your fault; you didn’t make the order. Mayhap you were sabotaged.

I’m concerned that the fix is in here. It’s crazy to me that this song did SO MUCH WORSE than some of the other tripe, although it is worth noting that perhaps in this post-Brexit world, people are not best pleased with the UK in general.

It didn’t start off spectacularly, and the staging was… fine. Very neon. Her jumpsuit is wide. But either there were a lot of Brits using this as an excuse for a fly-and-flop to Portugal, or the song was a crowd favorite, because more than any other tune you could hear the audience singing along with her. It was neat and gave it an almost fond energy.

And then:

What you’re seeing down in front is a dude running on stage and snatching her mic to yell about UK Nazi media yada-yada, and he was wrestled away and she was given another mic almost immediately. SuRie basically just stepped back, took a calm breath, and then kept singing.

She came back LIKE A BOSS and finished that song, whose entire message was also about weathering a storm. Which she just did. And THEN:

YOU GUESSED IT. FIRE. How did this not fare better? It had all the elements, and then one ACTUAL element. I know there are always conspiracy whispers surrounding Eurovision results, but I am starting to think the UK is is always going to finish in the bottom 5 no matter what it does. So, UK, maybe you should just go BALLS TO THE WALL with the weirdness.

Well, look. It’s at least a CHEERFUL performance about monsters.

However, despite being forgettable lyrically and melodically, she did at least get to spin on the wheel of doom for a while and managed to get off without throwing up OR forgetting any words.

And GUESS WHAT ELSE:

When in doubt, world: FIRE.

“Oh my God, you guys, this thing was so expensive, we CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN. THROW IT. THROW IT SO HARD.”