Jennifer Lopez in Charbel Zoe

All right, let's break from the HOLA LOVERS because the sheer quantity of outfits here is ENORMOUS and that's too much parody. I've learned THAT one the hard way. Anyhoo: This. It's a cat's cradle of crazy. If you pull the string, two tiny butlers in Marc Anthony masks come to serve you M&Ms that have been peeled.

Jennifer Lopez

This is as Kardashian as it gets. As Kard As It Gets, by James L. Brooks, coming to a theatre near you on the 10th of Never.

Jennifer Lopez in Michael Costello

How exciting for Michael Costello to be getting so much love from J.Lo – this is the second thing of his she's worn since Fashion Week. I THINK it is wide-legged pants, but even that might not ruin it for me. Because in this slideshow, it is one of the few beacons of sanity.

Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad

"Hola lovers! The angel of death is here to sex you up!"

Jennifer Lopez in Michael Cinco

I flat-out love this. Well, not the head-styling. But the dress is fabulous on her. Made even more so by the juxtaposition with what follows.

Jennifer Lopez in Charbel Zoe

"Lovers, I call this one, 'Stupid Ben Stopped Calling Me To Cry On My Shoulder Which Is Fine I Don't Care Anyway But I Want To Win An Oscar So Call Me Ben Because You Direct Things CALL ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.'"

Jennifer Lopez in Julien Macdonald

"Relax, lovers. It was performance art. Probably."

Jennifer Lopez in Balmain

In case you were ever wondering what it would look like if J.Lo subbed for Vanna White one night. Oh, dear lord, please can J.Lo sub for Vanna White one night.

Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad

I call this one A Cameltoe Full of Kisses.

Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad

"Here look at this clip from the new Star thingy movie I'm not in it so you are going to be bored why are we even bothering fine show it I don't care whatever."

Jennifer Lopez in Dsquared2

J.Lo opened the show in this outfit, which is from a very controversial DSquared2 collection that was HELLA full of cultural appropriation and which they nicknamed Dsquaw because, NO, sorry, THERE IS NO GOOD REASON. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING. The first line of that epic description is, "The enchantment of Canadian Indian tribes. The confident attitude of the British aristocracy." Sigh. J.Lo ought not have stepped into this minefield, is what I'm saying.

Jennifer Lopez in DSquared2

Honey, you should have blown the whistle on this BEFORE it began.

Jennifer Lopez

"Yes, it is disappointing of you not to have saved me from this, but we are here now and so I will let you grieve yourself. There, there, lover. Cry into Jenny's blocks."

Jennifer Lopez

"STOP IT I DO NOT NEED ALL OF YOU PEOPLE CRYING INTO MY BLOCKS."

American Music Awards Lopezly Played: Jennifer Lopez

"HOLA LOVERS. Yes, you are right: The holidays have come early. So sit down at my table and let me serve you my stuffing, my pies, my cranberry sauce, pudding, my spiced whipped cream, my vegan free-range gluten-free grass-fed napkins that Goopeth Paltrow sent me and Ben Ackfleck for our non-wedding which I never sent back because it is a sign of weakness and I wanted her to think we ate preservatives all over them... ah, memories. So get ready, lovers. The feast is on. It is Lopezgiving and the thanks are from me to you, for all the thanks you give every day for me because of all the giving that I do to you." [Photos: Getty]