Jessica Biel is seriously making the rounds — I know she has the A-Team movie coming out, but by the time that premiere even happens, she’ll be a zombie. Although I guess she did just climb Kilamanjaro, so it’s possible that compared with scaling a massive chilly peak, showing up in a bunch of dresses with her hair done just-so is not a problem. It may have impacted her  judgment, though. Please come on down and get all evidenciary with me.

Exhibit A:

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The prosecution suggests that this looks like a nicotine-stained caftan; the defense announces that it’s actually sort of striking and youthful. Aghast, the prosecutors express concern that the defense is unaware that the unofficial definition of “caftan” is, “garment worn by octagenarians as a swim cover-up, or cocktail-hour attire whenever the pool boy or a strapping plumber is finishing his duties.” The defense pauses for a moment, wiping tears of grief from its eyes and then choking that the prosecution is committing a crime against America by defiling the very garment cherished by many, if not all, of our fallen Golden Girls, and requests a moment of silence.

Exhibit B:

The prosecution expresses concern that Biel is wearing some kind of high-fashion multi-purpose apron, in which she can tuck beer bottles, gardening shears, and mason jars for pickling anything she yanks from her vegetable beds. The defense scoffs that the unexpectedness of the green ruffles with the blue tweed is precisely what makes this intriguing, and that the prosecution Just Doesn’t Get It. The prosecution pulls out a copy of Vogue and offers the defense the chance to go ahead and be literal and beat the jury over the head with it; the defense shrugs and admits that, fine, it can’t figure out why it doesn’t hate the outfit, but that the world is a more interesting place when we don’t all agree. The prosecution mimics playing violins until the judge bangs her gavel and demands that everyone behave or else be forced to watch Stealth.

Exhibit C:

The defense jumps up and points out that the skirt is very pretty and intricate, and that the scene in Stealth where — SPOILER — you realize that it’s actually a love story about mann and plane is actually really hilarious. The courtroom explodes with noise, as people turnt to each other and whisper in the melodramatic tones of people who are extras on TV acting terribly scandalized. the prosecution applauds the defense for the theatrics, but assures evereyone that no wild proclamations about a machine falling in man-love with Josh Lucas can distract us from the fact that there are bows on Biel’s armpits, and that the top is precisely the kind of Charlotte Russe business-casual that a 22-year old might try to wear to the office, or to a funeral. The defense is all, “But SPOILER the plane rears up and throws itself in the line of fire to save him!” and the judge has to call an end to the shenanigans before anybody gets drunk enough to pitch Stealth 2 to the Weinsteins.