Bless you, Jessica Biel. You and Angelina Jolie are reliably keeping us awash in photographs right now. Unfortunately, in London last night, you made three fatal mistakes.
1) You let somebody’s ten-year old brother put down his sister’s Barbie and take to roughing up your hair instead, and frankly, you are lucky you got out alive before he tried to put you in the microwave on the “POPCORN” setting;
2) You wore a dress that appears to be exactly the same shade as the red carpet, giving off the impression that you are in fact rising out of it, like the Lady of the Lake except without a sword to lob at some poor unsuspecting yobbo who will then feel obligated to wield it at people;
3) We can see your undertrousers, dearie:
Okay, so they’re not really undertrousers. And we aren’t seeing it by accident, because a lady doesn’t put on a translucent piece of red fabric with a black bathing suit underneath without realizing people will assume she thought the dress code was “high-end cabana wear.” And a lady doesn’t steal a black sash from a nearby karate school to cover up the weird corset waistline unless she is a) pretty sure that something about this outfit is wonky and needs to be concealed, or b) lobbing for a part in the sequel to Jaden Smith’s Karate Kid reboot, because we are probably getting to a place in the world where if you are not in the Smith Family business, you are busking at a subway stop. Both are beneath her, I think, unless she continues to cease grooming her hair.