Hey! Remember how I thought I wouldn’t have time to recap this episode before the second one aired tonight? Apparently, I lied. Here you go! It’s my gift from me to you, and it’s cranky?

I kind of can’t believe I am doing this again. Way back in the day, during¬†The X-Files’s first go-round, I recapped the final seasons for the late, lamented¬†Television Without Pity (my recaps are archived at Brilliant But Cancelled, and THANK GOD because I don’t remember anything that happened in the finale, except that the world was supposed to have ended by now, and I might need to consult Past Me for reminders) and it was honestly a transformative writing experience, both in the sense that it was extremely fun and satisfying for me, and because the XF community at TWoP was an awesome and wonderful one. It’s nice to be back on my old beat.¬† (PS: in case you didn’t know, the people behind TWoP are now at Previously.TV, which I strongly urge you to check out, if you liked TWoP.)

So, here we are. If you read my recaps back in the Ice Age, you know that they were laced with references to the adventures of my Mulder and Scully action figures (Scully, at one point, ran off with my “Oops”-era Britney Spears figurine; it was a whole thing), and said action figures would like to inform you that this reboot is wholly against their little plastic wills, and they’d personally rather be watching Downton. Which is why I had to wait to write this recap until after I wrote Downton. Scully is REALLY invested in Matthew Goode, you guys. Can you blame her? But with Lady Mary and Edith squared away for the week, let’s do this. I can’t WAIT to find out how Chris Carter explains the fact that CSM — who we last saw when his body EXPLODED and HIS SKULL BURST INTO FLAMES — is alive. (It’s got to be clones, right?) Or how THE WORLD HASN’T ENDED, or…well. A lot of things. Time to stop stalling. Once more into the void.