Usually, Eve looks pretty age-appropriate, so I can’t figure out what possessed her to show up at the Teen Choice Awards — where, presumably, teens are trying to tell us what they like, because 184 million viewers of High School Musical 2 still felt ambiguous — in what amounts to cocktail pajamas:


Granted, I covet the shoes a trifle, but overall the effect is less “young vixen” than “Cougar salivating over her prey as she lasciviously licks caviar off a cracker.” Or she’s simply wearing the uniform of a long-lost martial art in which she’s a black-belt — say, the kind where she can slice off your head with a well-timed leg spin without so much as spilling her bourbon. Rrowr.

Still, I can see one advantage: The only hint of her Anklet of Legal Woes is in the bunching of the evil pants’ drawstring hem, so perhaps she thought cloaking herself in fug
would distract us from the Lessons Of Her Past. No dice, though, Eve. Also, The Lessons Of Her Past would actually make a great Lifetime movie if you added a few colons in there, like The Lessons Of Her Past: I Drink, Therefore I Can’t: The Eve Jihan Jeffers Story.

I might have to eat all those words with a side of paté, however, because here she is demonstrating the more current fashions of the day and I’m not sure it’s an improvement:


[Photo: Splash News]

It’s a bathing suit, a minidress that could well be on backwards, footless tights, and of course her Anklet of Legal Woes — all of which I feel like I’ve already seen on Lindsay Lohan. It’s sort of like she’s the host of The Grim Reaper’s MTV Back-2-Skool Summer Wake and Pool Party Jam, which I parenthetically and amusingly just misread to myself as “Panty Jam” (either the world’s worst-selling condiment, or a Playboy party you’d get Cameron Diaz to host while Fergie performed).

This is like a Sophie’s Choice of catastrophic outfits. I don’t think I can pick a winner, but I know who the loses are: our retinas.