I had no idea Sam Elliott married Katharine “The Graduate” Ross, did you? That’s quite cool, and they’re still married, so ENOUGH SMALL TALK. WHAT’S WITH THE NAKED LIP, SAM? This is not right. Sam Elliott was born with a full mustache. Sam Elliott went to kindergarten with a robust lip thatch. Sam Elliott’s mouth feathers are real, they are forever, and yet they are ABSENT in this photo for some reason? Is Sam Elliott truly Sam Elliott without his silken keratin shrub? Was this his Chris Gaines period? Is he not Sam Elliott here, but, say, Tank Hatchett, the hottest anesthesiologist in all of Hawaii? (“Tanks A Lot, coming this fall to CBS. He’ll knock you out. Wink.”)

I just… Sam. I understand needing to experiment, but the mustache is bigger than you are, Sam. I hope this happened because you, like the Play-Doh Mop Top Hair Shop, can grow it back in seconds just by pushing hard on your follicles. I hope you, and we, were not without the soothing power of the fur rainbow for long.

[Photo: Getty]