Welcome to today’s episode of The Summer Doldrums, in which we are so low on content that we’re left examining the facial hair of a former member of NSYNC. Or, I guess, current member, if you believe NSYNC is forever. Also, no disrespect to Joey Fatone’s mustache, which he has clearly cultivated with great time and care, and is now a handlebar that curls evilly at the corners.
Joey and Lance Bass are hosting a reality show for E! that’s basically like Chopped but for cocktails. (Imagine if it were like Cocktail, but with knives. The bloodshed would be insane.) Each episode is a self-contained contest between three mixologists and the winner gets ten grand, and there are various celebrity judges that I swear Lance said they picked last-minute based on whoever happened to be in New York already, which is hilariously honest. (The answer includes two housewives, Lauren Graham, and Rachel Maddow.) I would not object to watching this, although to be fair, I will also probably forget it’s happening tomorrow.
Anyway! Joey’s manscaped mustache is a new creation; a month ago, per Getty, he had a regular old beard and ‘tash. He looks delightful, and also vaguely malevolent, like his hand on Lance’s shoulder is not friendly but actually a reminder that Lance sold his soul to Joey in exchange for a closet full of translucent shirts, and he will not gain it back unless he completes a side quest involving wearing a vintage Justin Timberlake wig during their promotional appearances.
For real, it suits him, as does the air of mischief it creates. Thank you, Joey, for discovering mustache wax just in time to star in The Summer Doldrums, and not for nothing, Joey Fatone’s Mustache would make a great band name if he’s looking to branch out. Or if any of you are.
I have written 321 words. THE SUMMER DOLDRUMS CANNOT DEFEAT ME.
