And here we go again. You, me, Ryan Seacrest, and the awards season’s most self-congratulatory show (which says a lot, considering the existence of the Oscars [we love you, Academy Awards]). Every time I see an ad for the SAGs (the awards themselves are on TNT/TBS, this here red carpet is on E! for those of you playing along at home), and it says, “FOR ACTORS, BY ACTORS,” I feel like the subtext is, “WITHOUT THOSE BORING WRITERS AND EDITORS.” It makes me laugh. Oh, actors. We’d be so bored without you. Also, I’d be unemployed, so….let’s DO THIS. Play along in the comments, please!
2:57 pm: So, Mr. Big tells Carrie that he wants to tell his wife that he and Carrie are having an affair — oh, whoops. That was the episode of Sex and the City that ran right before this started. Carrie was wearing dolphin shorts with heels; Big was sporting a very un-Big-like Hawaiian shirt, probably because the stress of having an affair is ruining his fashion sense. All I know is, I hope someone wears that TONIGHT!
3:00 pm: Okay, here we go. Yes, it’s been raining all day today here in Los Angeles. Obviously, this is a disaster of epic and global proportions. Forgive me, stylists, but I kind of love it when it rains on an awards show day — if only because it raises the possibility that some of the celebs might show up to this thing looking human. Ryan Seacrest, it turns out, IS NOT EVEN THERE. That’s how you know the SAGs…not that important.
3:01 pm: NO ONE is there yet. Giuliana is talking about her shoes, which I think are the ones Leighton Meester wore to the Globes? Yes/No, Fug Nation?
3:07 pm: Giuliana has Hailee Steinfeld — who we love, of course — in a striped, strapless Prada. I kind of like it: it’s all brown and pink and orange and like a really wonderful bath towel, which I mean as a compliment, I promise. But I suspect reviews may be mixed. I think she’s charming, though. As Giuliana chats with her about home-schooling, we get our first glimpse of Jennifer Lawrence, who is in HOT HOT pink., and Angie Harmon, whose dress I can not see, but whose face is pretty.
3:1o pm: I LIED. Hailee’s dress has straps, which I noticed when Giuliana introduces her to Glee’s Chord Overstreet and she giggles and flips her hair back. Awww. To be young again.
3:12 pm: G chats with Chord about….Vegas? And his hair? And whether or not he’s dating Naya Rivera, which would be SCANDALE, right? Because of how she was dating Puck? Anyway, he denies it. On the other side of the camera, Intern Ross chortles all over Jesse Tyler Ferguson, who is wearing a very charming plaid tie.
3:14 pm: Julianna Marguiles in the house with her HOT HOT husband, wearing red. I can’t really see her dress very well from this camera angle, but from what I can see, she looks stellar.
3:21 pm: I love how, when it rains, all the stars get shoved into this tent — it’s so awkward. As is poor Jesse Eisenberg having to talk to Giuliana. They have a really long chat about whether or not you can swallow gum and you can tell that he’s like, “….I don’t understand what is wrong with this person? Why am I here?” I how awkward he is.
3:22 pm: Sarah Hyland and her boyfriend met at an audition for High School Musical 3; they’re really cute together. Like, really schmoopy and cute. She is wearing a strapless orange-y number, which is lovely, but I think perhaps again a LEETLE old for her? Is orange the new pink?
3:23 pm: J Mar is wearing a gorgeous raspberry Yves St Laurent and a sleek ponytail. My girl crush on her is strong. She’s just so pretty. And so talented. AND she’s besties with Intern George. AND she says her husband is always telling her eat. Sigh. In the crowd, we catch a glimpse of Amber Riley, who may be wearing the same dress she wore to the Globes, but in black. That WAS a cute dress.
3:27 pm: In the comments, Sophia wondered if Margulies is pregnant again. I didn’t see a bump at all, but that IS a bump-skimming cut, so I admit that occurred to me, also. I guess we’ll find out. I also totally just caught Kyra Sedgwick adjusting her boob as she got out of the car — that was pretty awesome. Looks like she went with her hair’s natural curl tonight, which makes sense given the rain. Also: her curly hair is gorgeous, so….
3:30 pm: Chris Colfer is adorable. He’s in Dior. Armie Hammer is also cute and VERY ENTHUSIASTIC about his tux. “I ABSOLUTELY LOVE,” he tells Giuliana very, very emphatically. It’s kind of charming.
3:31 pm: Naya Rivera is possibly wearing a slip. She’s also wearing a bit of a bitchface.
3:33pm: Jane Krakowski is wearing a cocktail-length silver sequin-y dress and notes (correctly) that having a baby makes her VERY on trend. She looks lovely and her SHOES ARE SO HIGH.
3:35 pm: LL Cool J is wearing the same hat he wears every moment of his life, which is why Giuliana decides to take this moment to complain about how busy she is. Sigh. I still love Cool James. I mean, obviously.
3:38 pm: Kyra looks sleek and slightly eeeevil in a black velvet strapless with an intriguingly Maleficent-y neckline. I kind of like it? On the other hand, as she is spartan, so Angie Harmon is NOT, in a GIANT pink princess dress with a YOOGE feathered skirt. She is gorgeous but it’s a bit over the top for the SAGs, perhaps? It’s reminiscent of the famous Penelope Cruz Oscar dress of several years ago — you know the one I mean.
3:39 pm: Jenna Ushkowitz’s flesh-toned dress is so tight that I can see her navel.
3:43 pm: I totally thought Mila Kunis was Rachel Bilson — she’s wearing a belted, stripe-y strapless orange-y dress that I actually might quite like, once I get a real look at it. Ross has Jennifer Lawrence, who is apparently an Intern Ross MegaFan, and is sporting a hot pink Oscar de la Renta with a black velvet belt. It’s a bit Barbie Goes to the SAGs.
3:45 pm: Dianna Agron is in a tea-length Chanel haute couture. She’s very well-spoken, and her dress really fits with her sort of demure mien. I can’t tell if the dress is navy or black, though.
3:47 pm: Tracy Morgan Jordon chats up Giuliana. Please be crazy, Tracy. Please be crazy…well, he did just thank the person who donated her kidney to him. “We were together. Then we separated. But she also gave me a kidney.” And now we know that Tina Fey really DOES just follow him around writing down whatever he says. He then ends his interview by screaming that SARAH PALIN IS THE HOTTEST MILF IN THE WORLD!!! Oh, Tracy. Giuliana is just….at a loss.
3:49pm: I totally just thought Jenna Fisher was Julianne Moore. What does that mean for each of them?
3:50 pm: I worry that Carla Buono needs a new stylist; her dress has all this pleating down the front that COULD be good but is actually, I think, kind of clonkier than it needs to be. On the other hand, Julie Bowen is wearing a JUMPSUIT. JUMPSUIT JUMPSUIT. JUMPSUIT. “Screw it,” she says, “I don’t think I look DISRESPECTFUL.” She doesn’t — but I also think that she’s clearly nervous about the fact that she’s wearing it.
3:55 pm: Wow, Naya Rivera is kind of naked tonight. Her hair, however, looks lovely.
3:57 pm: Intern Ross needs to stop calling Giuliana “GiGi.” Although that is, at least, easier to SPELL. We get a better look at Mila’s Alexander McQueen printed strapless dress, which I actually secretly might love? I LOVE a pattern on the red carpet — remember the printed dress Rachel McAdams wore to the Oscars last year? This reminds me of that, but in reds and oranges, in a way.
3:59 pm: Gigi just told Mila Kunis to “stay real.” KIT! SAVE A GOOD SUMMER! STAY SWEET!! Next up: Sofia Vergara and her BOOBS. She explains that she usually wants to tone down the sexxxxy, but not today. She has, I can attest, definitely not toned it down. The blue color of her dress is lovely on her, but I think it might be a little TOO boob-tastic? I’m going to have to sleep on that, though — after all, if you HAVE that great body and you’re as fun as she seems to be, can you BE too boob-tastic? DEEP THOUGHTS FROM THE FUG GIRLS.
4:03 pm: A) Jenna Fisher, I love you, you look totally boring. B) Intern Ross just called Giuliana “Ju-Gee.”
4:04 pm: Jayma Mays is wearing a peach number that is considerably more modest than her Globes gown — I wonder if people wondering if she looked too skinny in that played into her decision about what to wear this evening? She looks pretty, I think….and she also just moved her skirt to walk more easily and almost flashed us her hoo-ha.
4:06 pm: Archie Panjabi s wearing a sequined column dress and I am incapable of judging her because of how much I love her on that show.
4:07 pm: Jane Lynch is wearing one of her usual ball gowns — it’s lavender, and I think the top tier of the skirt is raised and lowered using a series of pulleys. Regardless, she is hilarious and just said the words, “the creamy white center of that threesome.” Goo-Goo, or whatever we’re calling her now, is totally flustered. Jane then gives a shout-out to the Nordstrom shoe department at the Grove — or, as I call it, Church. I ALSO want to hang out with her.
4:08 pm: Wow, the Widow Longoria is OUT OF MOURNING. The bodice of her gown is basically two haphazard panels of fabric. SOMEONE’S BACK ON THE MARKET.
4:13 pm: Hilary Swank is there? How did that happen? She’s wearing beige — maybe she thought she was at the Globes? Goo-Gee is talking to January Jones in a very, very demure Carolina Herrera dress that is the POLAR opposite of her Globes dress. It’s black, covered in gold lace, with capped sleeves and a high neck. God. She’s gorgeous but she is SUCH a blank slate in these interviews. She gives off a very weird vibe to me. I don’t know if she’s uncomfortable or just a bit of….a weirdo…or what.
4:14pm: Claire Danes is in a flowered, strapless, ruffle-y Louis Vuitton, which she calls “a little less austere” than her Globes dress. I might like it, but I’m not sure — which is our mantra at these things, since it’s hard to get a good look at the entire dress.
4:20 pm: I miss Seacrest. You don’t realize how good he is at this until he’s not there.
4:23 pm: Whenever I see Jeff Bridges, I think of two things — well, other than about The Dude: a) my mom really loves him and b) how he was in Stick It! Anyway, Natalie P is talking to Goo-Geeb. She’s wearing a very slim-cut white column gown and it’s VERY bump-tastic. I want to see the back of it, though, because it also seems very, very tight on the butt and it seems MAYBE unflattering back there? Guiliana: “You see to prefer men?” Natalie: ‘Um. Yes?”
4:26 pm: Gee-GOB of course has to talk about working out with Hilary Swank. Swank’s hair does look nice, but her dress is kind of snoozy. BEIGE BEIGE I’m so OVER it.
4:27 pm: Intern Ross is interviewing Jon Hamm right now and basically DYING all over him. I’d judge, but if I were interview Jon Hamm , I’d mostly just be like, “sdnnfnfnajgnkasjagkjd ILOVE YOU” and…yeah. That’s even with tonight’s hair, which is sort of poofy on top? Oh, Jon. JUST DRAPER YOUR HAIR FOR US.
4:28 pm: GOB-Geeb has Nicole Kidman. How long until she asks about the secret baby, do you think? The back of Nicole’s dress is all lace and she’s…hmm. Oh, Nicole. It’s a bit….lacy ruffle-y necklace-y….AND WE HAVE SECRET BABY DISCUSSION. That took about sixty seconds.
4:29 pm: I don’t really like Nicole’s dress, but listening to her talking about her baby, and how her (Nicole’s)grandmother had her last baby at 49 and is Nicole’s inspiration….makes me love Nicole and want her and Keith and their babies to be very very happy. That was quite touching.
4:30 pm: Giuliana just called Christian Bale, ‘Mr. Bale.” Someone’s scared she will be scolded for not being sufficiently professional. He has cut his hair, but still has the beard, and it is his birthday: HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISTIAN. He’s celebrating by really, really not wanting to do this interview.
4:32: This is the moment where my DVR stopped telling me where we were in the telecast and I thought it was 4:31 for LIKE TWENTY MINUTES. It was like a lower-tier awards show wormhole and I was scared.
4:35pm: Winona Ryder is wearing her wedding gown. Goo-Gleeb is talking to Amy Adams: Heather just said TOO TIGHT AMY ADAMS OMGGGGGGGGGG and I SINCERELY agree. Go up a size, sister. Next up: James Franco. Giuliana’s opening is, “I love Twitter.” He’s like, “indeed.”
4:44 pm: In two seconds, coming back from commercial, Justin Timberlake has already been a better host then Glee-Glab. Next: Christina Hendricks, in a dark sequined wrap-dress like thing. E! won’t back out so I can actually SEE it. It’s an improvement — I THINK — over the Globes dress. Her make-up is washing her out a bit, I fear.
4:48 pm: Josh Duhamel: “I love the movie, BLACK SWAN.” Intern Ross: “HOLLA!” Me: “Ugh.”THEN THEY MAKE INTERN ROSS TALK TO HELENA BONHAM CARTER. Which seems like a lot to ask of someone who isn’t an old pro at this. HBC, of course, is lovely. She tells him that she never reads what people say about her outfits, because “it ultimately doesn’t matter all that much” and I — as someone who writes about outfits for a living — must agree with her. As Santino Rice once famously sang: Don’t worry1 It’s just fashion! Her shoes, for what it’s worth, match tonight. And are black. She looks rather subdued, even, for her — I mean, there’s still a little crazy going on there, never fear. Please don’t ever lose your crazy, Helena.
4:54 pm: I don’t care about the Kardashians.
4:55 pm: Tina Fey is in bright red strapless. It MIGHT be great. Also, that happened like twenty years ago but I got distracted by Helena’s matching shoes, so I’m just getting around to telling you know. I know.
5:00 pm: Gloob Gleeb always pronounces “Mila Kunis” like it’s a euphemism for vagina, as she does at the very end of the show, when she pronounces her best dressed, before very quickly signing off. And with that, WE’RE DONE. Thanks for hanging out, Fug Nation! Come by tomorrow for SAGs coverage galore!