The first round saw way more upsets than the actual March Madness, except for in this chunk of the bracket, which is as-predicted except for one seed. What remains are some contests that are surprisingly tough for so early in the tournament. Vote while you can because polls close after 24 hours. And again: The photos we use are just representative samples; the idea is to take their whole body of work into account. Enjoy!
(1) Keke Palmer vs. (9) Dascha Polanco
If we think of Fug Madness like a tennis match, this one is tough: Every shot Dascha makes, Keke seems to club back over the net. For example, Dascha is going to serve with this never-before-seen-here dress from back in May:
And that is a seriously powerful serve, but you know who has a good return game?
BOOM. But Dascha is undeterred:
Keke would flinch, because obviously. But she’d answer with this:
That’s not even the only buttcheek shot she has in her arsenal. This one was beyond awful, too. Child, a wedgie is not a garment.
Dascha’s turn to bang it over the net:
It’s a nice return. But Keke, too, has an affinity for bras and bra-tops. Like this one here, or the infamous denim one (worn in January in New York), this rosy Comic-con bra, or the Hairy Chest one, or the plastic see-through one… or basically her entire Instagram of street-style stuff, like this tube top with sleeves:
She even has an identical one in black, which I found elsewhere on her Instagram. She bought that TWICE. Or, got it for free and thought, “It’s such a slam-dunk that I’m going to WEAR THEM ALL.”
Dascha would be ready for that and throw her best/worst at it:
Or this shirt-cape, which she wore to a book signing:
All those would be worthy returns. But I think we all know what Keke’s next smash should be:
From the front, you can see her pubic stubble. True story.
What do you think: Is it a winner, or will Dascha have the last laugh?
(4) Ashley Graham vs. (5) Diane Kruger
I’m not going to lie: This one has me rubbing my hands together with glee. Both of these ladies have deployed some epic fuggery. I will never get over this one:
Diane Kruger can dial up anything she wants, pretty much, and THAT is what she chose? Diane, have you seen your legs? Your legs are THE BEST. Don’t do this to them.
That pattern is really cute, but the thigh window and the weirdo chest strap are not. She also, do not forget, wore this Shakespearean confection, a cold-shoulder shirt under a vest, a wretchedly overstyled Quirky Vintage type thing to a fashion show, and ugh.
I think the entirety of Fug Nation howled in agony when she wore that.
And the badness of this cannot be overstated:
Girlfriend, it was not your year.
Ashley had a VERY big year in terms of her profile: She’s on ANTM, she landed on Vogue, she was in SI again, and she just generally saw her level of fame skyrocket. And what did she do with that spotlight?
Eh. It’s so Kardashian, including the wet-look hair.
That looks a bit like it hurts.
And so does that. I am all for Ashley wearing body-hugging silhouettes, but I’m genuinely concerned that this is crushing her ribs.
Let’s not forget the real reason she was seeded so high: transparent pants.
I can’t wait to see how y’all vote in this one.