“Okay, everyone, Anna pulled Rooney Mara’s name out of the White Actress hat this month. What can we do with her?

“Rooney… she’s the one who’s…”

“…kind of like Nicole Kidman but with dark hair…”

“… but not as tall…’

“… also prefers not to smile…”

“… and most people can’t name a movie she was in…”

“… or what she’s got coming up…”

“Shit. Well. Find a field or something. Grass always sells.”

“How about a POND.”

“With a BOAT.”

“YES. A dark-haired and kind of cranky Lady of Shalott vibe.”

“And she’s lying down in it…”

“No. Lying down is for sex. Vogue doesn’t have sex. She’s standing.

“She might even be STOMPING.”

“Just have her walk around like she’s on the set of a Sofia Coppola movie–“

“– some kind of period piece where she’s a governess?”

“Uh-huh, and the PA didn’t bring the coffee, right, and she’s like… she’s NOT HAPPY but she’s trying not to unload on everyone because she’s a professional.”

“And it’s all happening ON the boat. But also on her face.”

“You know what? Ponds are fucking hot right now. Let’s lean into the pond. Don’t even go with her face.”

“Maybe people don’t even know it’s her.”

“She’s arrived by boat to the Great Britishe Bakingge Showe in olden times and her crumpet recipe was fucked up earlier and Lord Hollyewoode doesn’t think people should put cherries in them…”

“But that’s all internal.”

“Right? God, she’d never feel that on the OUTSIDE, not in THOSE times. Shit, Anna is going to go crazy for this. But just in case, stick the word ‘renegade’ on the cover.”

[Photo: Vogue]