“Hey, guys.


Thanks for waking me up in time for me to make it to this awards show. I just got back from Vegas. I think. It might have been Thailand. I can’t remember. Anyway. Does anyone have any espresso? Man. I am wiped out. Um. Yeah. So, thanks for this award. For whatever movie you gave it to me for. Huh? The Break-Up? Great. Is she here? She is? Great. Now Us Weekly is going to be on my jock again, all “JEN’S AWARD SHOW PAIN” or some shit. I don’t even know how I got involved in that fu — sorry, I forgot we’re on TV. That….freaking….mess. Oh, I guess I already said “shit,” huh? Sorry. Um. Yeah. So, thanks. GOD. I just need to LIE DOWN. The inside of my mouth tastes like the bottom of a bird cage. What did I DO last night?

Um, what does the teleprompter say? “Wrap…it up.” All right. Um. Thanks for this, whatever it is.”