“Well, lovers, we might be breaking up, eh?”
“You decided that little Annie Sigmund or whatever bested me in Battle Armani? ME, Bazooka J.Lo, the walking gum-and-pink-lemonade fountain? The woman who wore a dress the same color as the engagement diamond she got from her pig ex-fiance whose name rhymes with SVEN WAAAHFLECK and who sold the ring and who MAY have used all the proceeds to buy Red Sox tickets and then sell them to Yankees fans?!? FOOLS.
“Ah, but I could never stay mad at you, amigos queridos. So I am giving you another chance. Look at me. I am like the night: bold, inky, and full of animal! I am like ebony: smooth, shiny, and useful with a piano! I am like The Raven: silken, mysterious, and persistent! I have the corazon of a poet and the shoulder of an ostrich!
“Now look at Seyfried Chicken:
“Where is the feather? Where is the drama? And where is the little person in sunglasses to clutch? I said to my Marc, ‘My gowns are a story, and the ending is ME.” He said, “And the moral of that story is vodka,” and I laughed and laughed, and he drank and drank! He is my vodka-cranberry and I am whiskey straight-up, and Matilda or whatever is a lime daiquiri. Sure, you will drink it on the beach, but you won’t remember it next week. So I ask you, mis aficionados, which of us do you want to make your vision blurry and your stomach sick and your head poundy and your vein all throbby — or as Marc calls it, hickey time? Do you want Sour Cream and Onion Ruffles up there, or do you want ME, pillar of myth, a half-ostrich, half-panther, all-woman hellcat who will carve up the meaning of life and serve it to you on a platinum record? Who chooses SLEEPYTIME over ME, eh, amores? Who chooses bangs and beige and dimples and TENNIS SHOES over a woman who takes showers in DIAMONDS? THERE IS NO BENNIFER 2.0. YOU CANNOT HAVE A SEQUEL TO ME. THERE IS ONLY GARFLECK, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A FAT CAT THAT HATES TUESDAYS AND EATS NOODLE CASSEROLES.
“Ahem. Los siento, lovers. I am passion, and passion is me. Vote for J.Lo! I will kiss your babies!