At least I can think of one nice thing to say about Anne Hathaway’s enormous black bow.


Just kidding. I totally can’t. It’s huge and it’s glaring at me. It is as if one of Sarah Ferguson’s famed hair-bows from the late 1980s went rogue from her storage trunks and attacked Anne on the red carpet, resulting in a giant Dark Mark of Shame that’s tagging her for impending doom. What’s more, it’s hitting her body where the dress is the least flattering to it, and all I can think of is, “Surely SOMEONE could have loaned her a body-shaper.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled she walks among the living — the normal, flesh-carrying ladies of the world — but, honey, there’s no shame in getting a little help under your lace-curtain gown. And with a massive, angry black bow dragging your chest down to your navel, you need all the extra help you can get.

At least it’s not bigger…. wait a second, that’s a compliment, right? So what if it’s so backhanded you can practically see the marks from my knuckles imprinted on it as I whipped my hand across its inky folds. At least the bow isn’t devouring her entire body. Phew! I did have a nice thing to say. The dress didn’t make a liar out of me. My mother will be so proud.