This week for The Cut, we did a slideshow about the red-carpet style of Natalie Portman, who’s about to land under a much more intense microscope now that she’s a presumptive Oscar front-runner for Black Swan. It’s all Dior and Lanvin and Rodarte, one of which prompted us to write this:

“It has wilted into what looks like a hastily wrapped postapocalyptic Valentine’s Day gift: Like, you love that person and all, but just don’t have time to tuck in the tissue paper all nicely because there are roaches in your fridge and zombies in your organs and no bottled water to be found, so listen, dude, you’ll GET what you GET, okay?

If you want to read the rest, zip on over to The Cut, where we went through fifteen of Natalie’s outfits. Some of the commenters noted that our copy is so boring they had to quit reading, which made me laugh because before we wrote this Jessica and I each admitted to the other that we find Natalie herself terribly overrated and boring — so maybe we didn’t cover that up as well as we had hoped… Or, maybe we did, and those people just think we are rotten. They might have a point. We are professional bitches, after all.