“What, this old thing?”

“Well, you know how it is — I didn’t know if there would be a coat-check, and I didn’t want to CARRY the thing, and it’s really only my right breast that gets cold, and it had JUST been telling me that it wanted to wear the nipple equivalent of an eye patch anyway, so I just sort of… got out my sewing machine and went to work, just like anyone would. Right? I mean… right? Surely I’m not the only Sunday-coat dismantling boob pirate among us…?”