Well, I’m definitely in for how to make my hair look less stupid in 100-degree heat; that is some service journalism for the current climate, for sure. And I would love for someone who is not me to get Cosmo’s last year or two years of issues and line up all the HOT SEX tips and see how many of them are even different, or whether they just plug in new synonyms for various body parts and call it a revelation. But as for the actual cover… I cannot imagine something I want to wear LESS in 100 degree heat than a snug denim jumpsuit. I can barely even bring myself to put on just jeans, and I am someone who usually lives in them and never gets out her legs. Granted, the cover shoot would’ve happened before the heatwave, so it couldn’t pivot the way a cover line can. Still, even without a heatwave, that’s not summer to me. It’s also probably not EVER, to me. On Mila it seems very well fitted, but in the way where it’d only stay that way if she wore it for a hour to take her picture; any longer and it would stretch out like your favorite pair of pants and start sagging and drooping. And needless to say, it fails the Bathroom Emergency Test. Her head looks very good — very Mila; it has that tough-girl energy — and her bod suits the clothes, but the clothes themselves stress me out too much for me to like it. I started sweating just THINKING about walking outside in this today.

The story involves Kate McKinnon– her co-star in The Spy Who Dumped Me — interviewing her, but Cosmo didn’t release the whole thing; it only gives excerpts, so I can’t say for sure whether this is one of the worthless exercises or an actual good piece, or even, as promised, any funny AF oversharing. There is this one bit, though:

On rumors about herself that run in the tabloids: “I don’t read anything about myself. I genuinely don’t know what’s written about me…other than I know that I’m pregnant about once a year and my husband and I are getting a divorce once a year. I know this because I go down the grocery store aisle, and I see it on the cover of magazines and I’m like, Oh boy, okay!… The only thing that’s upsetting is my parents and my grandparents sometimes get confused… At one point when I was pregnant, [the tabloids] said that I had an emergency and was rushed to the hospital, and my face was on the cover. The amount of stress that caused my family, nobody will understand.”

For some reason, I never thought about that specific angle — the idea that your parents, grandparents, or any of their friends might see that stuff and start to panic. You assume they always know what’s true first, but when people don’t live in the same city… anything is possible and I could see a grandmother in particular getting really worked up when Edna calls from Target and says, “InTouch claims Mila went off in an ambulance!” Think of the grandmothers, y’all.

[Photo: Cosmo]