I realize that we can see one of her nipples, and therefore can extrapolate where the other one is, and know that the imbalanced mammaries are an optical illusion. But the dress certainly does make it look like Left Side is flirting intimately with her belt — a weird thing to do to your cover subject even if the rest of the pose seems confident. But… let’s talk about the rest of that pose. Her shoulders are square. Her hip is kicked out super far to one side. The angle at which she’s bent… seriously, it almost looks like if we were to scroll down, we’d see that she’s standing on one leg and kicking the other one out to the side, or twisting herself into such a pretzel to achieve these angles that she’s basically doing yoga. It looks effortful rather than effortless, and that’s never ideal. Mix that with her facial expression, which I think is MEANT to convey no-nonsense, no-bull strength but actually looks like she’s trying not to breathe through her nose because someone just microwaved a tuna sandwich, and I think this is yet another of Cosmo’s weirder efforts.
It’d be an improvement if we just swapped heads with this one:
That outfit is HUGELY Jessica Simpson Stars as Daisy Duke — an era we well remember here at GFY — but the head is much more relaxed and happy. And yeah, sure, a smile and a wind cannon may feel more stereotypically Cosmo, but in this case it would’ve turned that cover into something that actually DOES feel confident rather than entirely artificial. Here’s why that matters:
On being a girl boss and running her own production company, Yes, Norman Productions: “I want to be a full-on girl boss. I’ve been in the business so long, and I’ve worked with the best. I don’t let people mess with me. I want to show girls out there that you can be cool, wear yoga clothes, and run your own f—king company. You don’t have to be a guy in a suit. I want this to be a big company. I want to be sitting down a few years from now and have so many projects going. That’s what I’m excited about.”
The narrative they’re spinning on Kaley is: girl boss, a bunch of quotes about what a rat fink her ex-husband is (for real, they’re in the excerpt), and more girl boss. So let’s empower her. The open-mouthed stern face doesn’t do that the way, I think, everyone hoped it might. A glowing happiness in her own skin definitely does.
Also: Apparently Cosmo has gotten banned from some stores for its racy cover content. Which cracks me up because it has not been ANY different EVER, so why now? Still, while I defend a person’s right to read about as many hot sex tips as they would like, every month from now until the end of time, I do sort of hope this makes Cosmo dig a LITTLE deeper than OMG Naughty New Ways To Do it. I’m sorry, y’all but we already have the Kama Sutra; I SINCERELY believe that, yes, there are a finite number of ways to do the damn thing. And… seriously, summer has got to be the easiest season to get psyched for without Cosmo’s help. Get back to me when they’ve prepped “Yay Winter: 35 Ways To Get Pumped For The Polar Vortex.”