Let’s take a moment and remember how great Jessica looked at the Oscars. Because if that was a cool, refreshing drink of Diet Coke on a hot summer day, then this is like guzzling a tar chaser:
She looks like she’s being pantsed by Satan himself. Or, to put it in Clue parlance: “Flames… on the side of my thighs…” It kills me that, because this was technically post-Oscars, it’s not eligible until Fug Madness NEXT year — and yet, it warms my soul-cockles that her 2014 campaign has begun so vigorously. If this were a movie, it would be called National Lampoon’s Executive Misbehavior, and star Demi Moore and [Insert Any Guy From ABC Family Here]. And it would go straight to DVD. Where it would kill the DVD business entirely.