Reader, I laughed out loud at, “The weekend is coming. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR DOING?!?” I am never 100 percent trusting or confident in what my hair is doing. It’s always up to something, and it never listens to me.

I also giggled at the image of Jennifer Hudson looking like she’s rearing up to actually physically hit a dude in his advertised G-spot. My other interpretation is that she’s doing the same dance performed by pretty much every 18-21 year old I went to college with, while consuming the house specialty Long Island Ice Tea at The Linebacker. Between that, the silk thermals under a cheap casino’s hostess costume, and the fact that she seems really annoyed that I’m staring up her nose — I don’t even want to, Jennifer; your twin tunnels are being thrust upon me — I think this is a below-average effort. Jennifer Hudson has a great face, a blinding smile, and a lot of charisma that NONE of this affectedness is communicating. In fact, it’s squashing all that. When I invent my time machine, this photo shoot is one of the pit stops I’ll make on my way back to take care of other pressing issues, like international relations, and the cancellation of The Grinder.

I have low hopes for the cover story. The excerpt they released is just her giving short answers to shorter questions. Did this entire issue fall apart on a day when they had 12 hours to wrangle some filler?