We had Natalie Portman on Vanity Fair, Emily Blunt on THR, and now this: What IS IT lately with everyone being photographed like they have a head cold and/or are fighting to keep their eyes open in the face of direct sunlight? Is there a running gag among photographers to see who can make these preternaturally gorgeous people look the least excellent? ARE THEIR JOBS TOO EASY TO BE FUN ANYMORE?

Cosmo has the whole story up online, unusually for them (they tend only to excerpt), and which may be a product of the fact that I waited longer than usual to post the cover. It is… not a challenging experience. I learned that there is “a dating app for boldface names” called Raya, that she named her dog after this magazine, and that she’s maybe a little bit into herself. She unironically refers to herself and Channing Tatum as “a beloved couple” — it seems unhealthy to frame oneself in terms of how widely beloved you are, or are not — and describes herself thusly: “I know what it feels like to overextend and to overgive in life. I give out so much energy constantly.” Then Kourtney Kardashian pops her head in:

They make plans to assemble an all-star crew (Chrissy Teigen, Minka Kelly, and Khloé K. are invited) for another epic night.

Seriously, between that and the number of times it’s mentioned that that they are at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills (in a private area! And she’s IN THE SYSTEM!), it really seems like the PR mandate here overall was to make sure everyone knows she’s just as big a celebrity without Channing as with him — which is all well and good, but you are on the freaking cover of Cosmo, so it goes without saying. Or, it should.

[Photos: Cosmo]